Overnight Underground News May 15th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

Retail sales are in the crapper. The Michigan legislature shuts down. Wisconsin opens up, Denver gets its own KKK shopper. A new nominee for the worst movie ever and a new irritating Chinese ice cream flavor debuts in Hong Kong. 

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Retail sales plunge

Yesterday we saw the latest jobs report and it wasn’t pretty. The retail sales numbers released today don’t look much better.  CNBC reports retail sales dropped nearly sixteen and a half percent in April, which is far worse than was predicted. Clothing sales were hit with the biggest downturns. Hey, it’s not like you need new clothes, you’re not going anywhere and no one sees you anyhow. Retail sales declines were also seen in restaurants and service stations along with retailers that have been deemed non-essential. Grocery stores were one of the few retail establishments that saw an uptick in sales. Hey, people gotta eat and of course let’s not forget about all that toilet paper you bought either. 

Homelessness could spike

Ready for some more good news?  CNN Business now reports that the picture for low income workers is especially bleak. Nearly forty percent of those with a household income below forty thousand dollars a year reported a job loss in March. Another study conducted by a Columbia University professor, notes that homelessness in the US could reach as high as forty five percent within a year. The professor who conducted the analysis, Dan O’Flaherty, says the downturn is exacerbating homelessness which is already a public health crisis in many American cities. O’Flaherty notes, quote: “This is unprecedented. No one living has seen an increase of ten percent of unemployment in a month.”  Except maybe for those who got fired, and are currently seeing one hundred percent unemployment. 

Michigan shuts down legislature

Fed up with the protesters, Michigan lawmakers have decided to suspend their legislative session rather than face the possibility of continued armed protests. Bloomberg reports that  protests have been squarely aimed at Democratic Governor Gretchen Whitmer, who allegedly has received death threats since the protest began. Protesters are angered over the Governors controversial lock-down in the state. Lansing lawmakers had been fearing a repeat of the April 30th dissent, when armed protesters entered the Senate Chamber. The protests on Thursday saw much smaller crowds due to rain in the Capitol. Giving birth to the phrase, “Give me liberty or give me death. Unless it’s raining.” 

Bars open up in Wisconsin

Across the lake in Wisconsin, things were opening up after that state’s supreme court tossed their Governors stay at home orders. Quite a few Wisconsiners dashed from their homes and headed to the bars for a quick Schlitz. One patron at a bar in Milwaukee told Reuters news: Wait, does this mean he likes to schwing? 

Denver gets a KKK shopper

Another day another guy shopping in a KKK hood. Fox thirty one Denver reports that this time the pointy headed masked shopper was spotted and of course photographed at the City Market in the Denver suburb of Dillon. The police have stated that they are asking for the public’s help identifying a man. The director of communications for the Town of Dillon, told the press, quote: “Right now, they’re trying to identify him, contact him and take it from there. Obviously, we take this kind of action very seriously.” 

Biden mumbles again

It’s time once again for our sound byte of the day. Today’s winner comes from presumptive democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, during his latest virtual roundtable. Just for the record, and leaving all the mumbling and other gaffes aside, there have been thirty six and a half million unemployed in the last two months. I’ve said it before I’ll say it again, our choice as leader of the free world is to pick either this doddering old fool or a reality show barker with delusions of adequacy? If that doesn’t convince you that the game is rigged, nothing ever will. 

Tear gas ice cream

Oh those wacky Chinese. The AP is reporting an ice cream shop in Hong Kong has a new flavor that’s turned out to be a hit with patrons, it’s tear gas flavor. The main ingredient in the new confection is black peppercorns, to give Hong Konger’s that ol’ time memory of the peppery tear gas rounds fired by police during demonstrations last year. One customer explained the flavor as, quote: “It tastes like tear gas. It feels difficult to breathe at first, and it’s really pungent and irritating.” I don’t know about you, but that’s not what I look for in an ice cream flavor. What’s next, Covid-19 flavor? It tastes like a musky face mask, makes it hard to catch your breath and it’s only available for takeout. 

Worst movie evar

Cats is now officially the worst movie ever made. That’s according to the man who wrote what previously was considered the worst movie ever made, Battlefield Earth  Writer J.D. Shapiro tells The New York Post, quote: “I watched about 10 or 15 minutes of ‘Cats,’ and unfortunately, it might beat out ‘Battlefield Earth. To regular people, ‘Cats’ was f - - king disturbing.” Great, now we just gotta’ wait for Hollywood to make Battlefield Cats. You know, I wouldn’t put it past those idiots.

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Overnight Underground News May 14th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, first the headlines:

Unemployment rises. Michigan readies for more protests. Burr under investigation. Is mouthwash the next Covid placebo and Gretta Thunberg joins a panel of covid experts on CNN. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Unemployment spikes again

Another week, more brutal unemployment numbers. Last week saw another three million file for unemployment, bringing the total to a whopping thirty six and a half million in the last two months. Yesterday, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell painted a rather foreboding picture of the economy, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell sounding like he’s ready to take a leisurely stroll down to the east river and jump off the Brooklyn bridge. But Powell wasn’t all death and destruction, he still believes the economic turnaround will come and that the Fed will do all it can to help. I guess we need more bailouts for those in need, like lobbyists and our corporate overlords.

The Doctor of Doom

Doctor Richard Bright, the man who has become affectionately known as the Doctor of Doom, is warning the US and the world that we are in for “deep sh*t.” Doctor Richard Bright responding to the country being unprepared during the coronavirus pandemic.  Well isn’t he just all sweetness and light. Doctor Bright later went on to say, “I believe we could have done better. believe there were critical steps that we did not take in time.” President Trump has called Doctor Bright, a vaccine expert who led a biodefense agency in the Department of Health and Human Services, essentially a disgruntled employee. 

Armed Michigan protesters return to Lansing

Those armed Michigan protesters will be at it again in the states capitol today. Reuters is reporting that there will be a large police presence in Lansing as protesters challenge Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s stay-at-home order. With one of the strictest stay at home orders in the nation, the Governor has extended what the protesters see as a draconian law, until at least May twenty eighth. Gretchen Whitmer on CNN. I do believe the Michigan Governor just invoked Goodwin’s law. 

Wisconsin Supreme court shuts down stay at home order 

Meanwhile just across the lake in Wisconsin, the Wisconsin Supreme Court struck down their Governors stay-at-home order. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports that this would be the first time a statewide order like this has been tossed by a court of last resort.  The overturning of the lock-down was passed by a four to three decision and was written by four of the court’s conservatives. Justice Rebecca Bradley compared the social distancing rule to Japanese being interned in concentration camps in world war two. I think we need a new kind of Goodwin’s law, except it’s pit in play when anyone brings up Japanese internment camps. Personally, I think the entire state should be placed under house arrest immediately and indefinitely and hey, why the hell not,  let’s do it all without due process. 

Burr has phone snatched by Feds

Senator Richard Burr, the North Carolina Republican who chairs the Senate Intelligence Committee, is under investigation for insider trading. The New York Post reports Burr was forced to hand over his smart phone to the feds. He’s under suspicion of insider trading that allegedly took place ahead of the  market crash at the start of the coronavirus crisis. Burr had sold off roughly one point seven  million dollars in publicly traded stocks. He was among a handful of lawmakers who received confidential briefings on the virus from health officials. 

Mouthwash and covid

The next wacky thing you can do to help stop the spread of coronavirus? Let’s spin the wheel o quackery. If you picked mouthwash, step right up and spit in the cup. According to an article on Yahoo and a few other sources, oral rinses may damage the virus’s protective membrane and at least some scientists are calling for an immediate study of the effects on covid from mouthwash. The World Health Organization has gone on record saying that there is not evidence that mouthwash inhibits coronavirus. Next up, look for idiots to make Listerine the next massive shortage right behind toilet paper in the grocery store. Bleach, cigarettes, lights inside your nose and now mouthwash. What will they think of next? This article was brought to you courtesy of  ‘The Mouthwash Manufacturers of ‘Mercia’.

Greta now a coronavirus expert

Twitter users went absolutely apoplectic on Wednesday over the appointment of Gretta Thunberg to CNN’s expert coronavirus panel. Well it should be. Ya gotta’ wonder, at seventeen how could the climate and environmental activist from Sweden be an expert at anything, other than maybe navel gazing. How the hell did she become an expert on virology? Has she even finished high school? Dear Gretta has as much insight and  depth into coronavirus as a puddle. 

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Overnight Underground News May 13th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, first the headlines:

Howard Stern says Trump should quit. Hey I know, let’s shove lightbulbs up our noses. The DOD needs more needles. The hooded shopper is not guilty and cheap movies may make a comeback.

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

White House adviser and Trump crotch fruit main squeeze Jared Kushner hinted the other day that there may not be an election in November. The Washington Post and other sources report that Kushner suggested, there was uncertainty about whether the presidential election would happen in November because of this whole global pandemic thing. The presidential aide later clarified his comments a bit in a Time Magazine interview. Just to clarify 

Stern calls for Trump to quit

The one time king of all media has called on President Trump to step down. That’s Howard Stern on his satellite radio show. The previously relevant radio star went on to say that it would be “extremely patriotic” for Mister Trump to step down. Wait, wasn’t Howard Stern one of the celebrities who went out of his way to popularize and normalize Trump? Now he’s trying to “cleanse” himself from the smoldering runaway train-wreck that has become the Trump Presidency? Besides, who ever looked to Stern as a voice of reason? Lesbian dial a date and butt bongo fiesta maybe, but logic and reason? 

Shove lights up your nose

I know, let’s treat coronavirus but shoving lightbulbs up you nose. Wait, isn’t this the same idea Trump got called on the carpet for by the press?  NBC Chicago reports the Canadian-company behind the technology, says their steriwave technology could stop the spread of the coronavirus by eliminating the viral load in your nose. According to them, the coronavirus tends to colonize in the nose, so the process involves swabbing the nose with a chemical compound. A technician then inserts fiber optic probes into the nose and turns on a red light. Wait, you don’t have to turn on the red light. Here’s Dr. Merrill Biel from the University of Minnesota. 

DOD needs more injectors

There’s no vaccine for Covid-19, but that won’t stop the government from spending millions on injection devices. A press release on the Department of Defense website announced a one hundred and thirty eight million dollar contract to fund production of five hundred million pre filled COVID-19 vaccine “injection devices.” The contract went to ApiJect Systems America for two projects known as “Project Jumpstart” and “RAPID USA”.  The apparent goal of these two  projects is to have vast amounts of “injection devices” ready to go, if and when a COVID-19 vaccine becomes available. (

The blue plate big brother special

Well this is kinda’ creepy. The Seattle Times is reporting that when restaurants open in Washington state, they will have to keep a log of customers for coronavirus contact tracing. Nothing like going out to dinner and being asked for your papers. The governor’s office released a set of requirements that restaurants will have to comply with if they want a blessing from big brother to reopen for dine-in service. The restaurants will have to, quote:  “Create a daily log of customers and maintain that daily log for 30 days, including telephone/email contact information, and time in.” 

Wearing a hood to shop is not a crime

Last week a man in a KKK hood sent shockwaves of offense through the Southern California community of Santee calling for the full extent of the law to be leveled at the hooded shopper. The San Diego County Sheriff’s Department earlier this week issued a press release saying they had no legal grounds to charge the man.The man was interrogated and later detectives conferred with both the U.S. Attorney’s Office and the San Diego County District Attorney’s Office and came to the obvious conclusion that no law was broken.  The press release basically points out what was already blatantly obvious to legal half-wits everywhere, that the U.S. Supreme Court and the Constitution spell out the fact that freedom of speech means hateful speech is still protected speech. Gee I wonder how much money they spent investigating what they already knew wasn’t a crime to begin with in the first place.

Cheap movies may return

This makes sense. The Wall Street Journal is reporting that movie theaters are considering offering two dollar moves when they reopen. Due to the pandemic, there’s not a lot of new movies coming out that can get folks back in the theaters, so some cinemas plan to reopen with classic films at classic prices. The films will include “Jaws” and “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”, how the hell is that classic, anyway the move is to tempt cautious audiences back into cinemas. I’ll pay two bucks to see a classic Hitchcock movie in a theatre any day of the week. Anything is better than Batman twelve, revenge of the stinky cave.

Valerie Bertanelli almost ready for Social Security

Wholy shit, you want to really feel old? Valerie Bertanelli turned sixty this month. If you don’t know who Valerie Bertanelli is, 

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Overnight Underground News May 12th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

The White House dons masks. Pence distances from Trump.  Elon Musk reopens his Tesla factory. Cheese is a patriotic duty. Bryan Adams does not apologize and strip clubs can get pandemic business loans.

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

The White House is making it mandatory that everyone wear a mask that works in the West Wing, everyone except the President and Vice President that is. They’re exempt. The mask move comes following the infection of two White House staffers, including Trump’s personal valet who brought the President Diet Cokes to the Oval Office. Maybe Trump  just likes saying, get me some coke.

Pence distances from Trump

CNN is reporting that Vice President Pence is, quote, “maintaining distance’ from Trump ‘for the immediate future”. No it’s not because the President isn’t his bestie or cause he smells too much like borscht, he’s keeping his distance due to coronavirus fears in the White House, well, at least that’s what they’re telling us. CNN further notes that It is not completely clear exactly how long Pence will stay away from The President.

Trump battles with reporters

Monday saw the return of the coronavirus press conference to the rose garden, and President Trump took time to answer some questions from the press and of course, fling a few zingers at his press corps nemesis. First, this question and answer carefully and precisely explaining the Obamagate scandal. Later in the press conference, one reporter asked why Trump sees testing as a global competition when people are losing their lives every day, the President said. At that point the President left the podium, took his ball and went back home to the White House.

No school this fall says Fauchi

If you’ve been hoping to get rid of your little bastards and get them back into the classroom, you may be shit out of luck. Doctor Fauchi said on Tuesday in a Senate committee hearing that having a vaccine before the opening of the school year would be, quote:  “a bit of a bridge too far”  Doctor Fauchi responding to Senator Lamar Alexander on the reopening of schools in the fall. So it looks like homeschooling for the foreseeable future for you bunky. I wonder if homeowners will get tax refunds on their property taxes if schools won’t be open. Fauchi also warned the nation against ‘prematurely’ opening U.S. states and that doing so could lead to additional outbreaks of the deadly coronavirus.

Tesla reopens factory

Tesla’s Elon Musk has reopened his factory in California defying authorities in Alameda County. This follows a couple of days of insults, slings and arrows flying on Twitter between himself and California government officials. Assembly woman Lorena Gonzalez, a Democrat from San Diego, Tweeted on Saturday, “F*ck Elon Musk.”  Musk then threatened to move his Tesla factory out of the state to Texas or New Mexico. The restarting of the Factory is his latest tantrum,  defying California authorities, which he has compared to fascists. Musk Tweeted referring to the opening of the factory, : “I will be on the line with everyone else. If anyone is arrested, I ask that it only be me.”

Grocery prices jumping

It’s not just you, prices for groceries have seen their largest one month increase in nearly half a century. CNBC is reporting that the Labor Department notes that prices for groceries jumped two point six percent last month, that is the largest one-month jump since 1974. The cost of meats, poultry, fish and eggs rose over four percent, fruits and veggies rose one and a half percent, cereals and bakery products advanced just under three percent. On the other hand, prices for nearly everything else dropped sharply in April. Total consumer prices slid almost a full percent in April from the previous month, led by massive declines in energy prices. So driving to the grocery store is much cheaper, but once you get there you won’t be able to afford anything.

Robots are coming to steal our jobs

Well you knew this was coming. A new paper from economists at the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco claims the pandemic will hasten the move to automate more jobs. Bloomberg reports that the researchers write in their paper “Can Pandemic-Induced Job Uncertainty Stimulate Automation?”, that automation of some of the jobs formerly held by humans could fuel an increase in labor productivity. The researchers argue that “Absent the automation channel, an uncertainty shock would lead to a much deeper recession, with a sharper increase in unemployment.” Sounds logical, we need to get rid of jobs and replace them with automation so we don’t have more job losses. Brilliant. 

The French patriotic duty

In France, the French dairy industry is asking its citizens to do their patriotic duty and eat more cheese. Sales of certain kinds of cheese have fallen over sixty percent, and well, that just won’t do in France. According to that bastion of journalistic integrity, the New York Post, the dairy industry is calling on citizens “to eat cheese in solidarity with our producers.” I don’t know about you, but I’m with the French on this one, I’m totally bound up in total solidarity with cheese. 

Bryan Adams blows top

Canadian pop-rocker Brian Adams isn’t holding back on how he feels about the Chinese and their role in the coronavirus pandemic. According to The Guardian, Adams launched into an expletive laced rant on his Instagram post. Adams said, quote: “but thanks to some fucking bat eating, wet market animal selling, virus making greedy bastards, the whole world is now on hold, not to mention the thousands that have suffered or died from this virus. My message to them other than “thanks a fucking lot” is go vegan.” Adams was scheduled to start a concert residency at the Royal Albert Hall in London before the Covid outbreak.

Strippers need loans too

A US judge has ruled that strip clubs and other so-called  ‘disfavored’ businesses are indeed  entitled to emergency loans during the pandemic.  Reuters reports that U.S. District Judge Matthew Leitman in Flint, Michigan, ruled that the U.S. Small Business Administration can’t exclude businesses that present live performances or sell products of a “prurient sexual nature” from loans under the Paycheck Protection Program. What’s next, hookers? Needless to say, the decision may be appealed.

Meanwhile, The Sun reports that the Minx Gentlemen’s Club in Virginia Beach is now offering drive through pole dancing. The strippers are not completely stripped, but clad in skimpy bikinis while customers drive-through the outdoor striper, ah strip. Customers either throw dollars out their window and one cunning dancer uses a trash picker to grab money from inside the customers cars. And here you thought your parents were nuts for putting on those clear plastic seat covers on their cars bench seats.

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Overnight Underground News May 11th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines:

Obama and Trump sling mud. China and the WHO sling BS. Covid has eyes for you. Chicago keeps the rate up. Iran blows up its own warship and Alaska is having a beaver boom.

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Former President Obama had a private conversation with his former staffers, which turned out to not be so private, seeing that everyone now knows about it. The talks were engaged specifically to help drum up support for Joe Biden’s campaign. With an election creeping closer and closer, Obama is taking off the gloves and starting to swing hard at Trump. During the call, Obama called the Trump administration’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic “an absolute chaotic disaster”. Uncle Joe responded, of course, with something that sounded like this. The White House retorted that President Trump’s “unprecedented” action had “saved Americans’ lives” and later lambasted the Obama response to  swine flu during his administration. I say, lock them all in a room, and the enlightening confabulation between these two warring factions would sound something like this. Me, I’m voting for bullwinkle. 

China and WHO collusion?

And while everyone is pointing fingers at everyone else, a new report dug up by the German magazine of record Der Spiegel and reported now by numerous sources, says that China pressured the World Health Organization to delay a global coronavirus warning. The report cites intelligence from Germany’s federal intelligence service that Chinese President and all around great guy Winnie the Xi Jinping urged the WHO chief to “delay a global warning” about the pandemic, and holding back data on human-to-human transmission of coronavirus. Not to be outdone, the World Health Organization has called the allegations “unfounded and untrue.” 

The eyes have it for Covid-19

Oh great, now they’re saying you can catch coronavirus through your eyes. The Daily Mail reports that scientists at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine found that Covid-19 can latch onto receptors in your eye balls. If Covid droplets land on your eye, the virus can begin running riot through your wretched and infected body.  Wait, does this mean we’ll have to start wearing eye patches along with face masks? 

Shopping with Nazi’s

Last week in Santee, California we had the man shopping at the grocery store with a KKK hood. This week, it’s a pair of shoppers with Nazi swastika on their masks shopping in the same California town. KUSI San Diego reports the couple were spotted and photographed by shoppers at the Food 4 Less in Santee. According to the article, Diego Sheriff’s deputies arrived and forced the shopper to remove the swastika from his mask. Look, these people are either idiots or attention whores, but wearing a swastika isn’t against the law. Honestly, you may not like it but what right do the police have to tell you what kind of sticker or tee-shirt you can wear or have on your car? Do they have the right to tell you you can’t wear a tee-shirt that says “f*ck Trump” or “the white man is the devil”? No. You may have to deal with the consequences of wearing such attire, but your right to wear it is your own damn business and my responsibility. But how is it people are allowed to walk around with this kind of offensive crap and not get arrested? I believe it has something to do with the first amendment of the US constitution. I know, you were offended. 

Chicago keeps murder rate up

The Covid-19 lockdown hasn’t stopped Chicago from keeping that stellar murder rate up. Yea, even though the streets are supposed to be barren, there’s still plenty of gun fire in the windy city. So much so that even the French have noticed.  France 24 is reporting that fifty six murders were committed last month, despite stay-at-home orders in the city, and just last weekend, four people were killed and forty six others were shot and wounded. On the West Side of the city, there’s not a lot of social distancing taking place, with crowds gathering on the streets to dance to the music and of course shoot each other. A senior research director at the University of Chicago Crime Lab is stating that most of the shootings and the subsequent murders have occurred outdoors and both shooters and victims have ignored stay-at-home orders. 

Iran blows up own warship

Worry over war with Iran has faded into the background with the advent of the global pandemic. Now it appears that the US and its allies probably have even less to worry about from the autocratic islamic state. It seems they are doing just fine waging war on themselves. Forbes and other sources are reporting that Iranian state media and the army say nineteen are dead in a friendly fire incident in the Sea of Oman. The Iranians were conducting live-fire exercises with anti-ship missiles when one of the missles slammed into one of their own warships. Well, at least they know their missiles work, command and control, not so much.

Alaska booming with beaver

Alaska is booming with beaver. Up in Northwest Alaska they are indeed experiencing a massive beaver boom. In the last couple of decades the Baldwin Peninsula has seen a massive increase in beavers, and that means more dams. To make a long story even longer, more dams mean big impacts on everything from fish populations to permafrost. University of Alaska Fairbanks researcher Ken Tape tells KOTZ radio that there are so damn many dams, you can actually see them from space. You heard that right, beavers in space. OK, that’s enough of that. 

Little Richard dead 

One of the last of the original rock and rollers had passed away over the weekend. Little Richard’s family have confirmed to Rolling Stone magazine that the eighty seven year old rocker has died. The cause of Richard’s death has not been released. 

Jerry Stiller, father of Ben Stiller and husband of Anne Meara, with whom he formed the married comedic duo of Stiller and Meara, died over the weekend at the age of 92. Jerry Stiller may be best known these days as the frenetic father of Frank Costanza on the “Seinfeld” show. 

Toilet frogs invading England

In England residents of Derbyshire are being invaded by toilet frogs. Nope, it’s not a new species, at least we don’t think so, the frogs in question seem to be coming up through the pipes and are quite often, found doing the backstroke in the toilet. Yea, having to head the call of nature in the wee hours of the morning and having a slimy frog hop up and whack your rectum, I don’t think so. One resident told the Derbyshire Telegraph that she now has to, “stand and squat now.” Still others are taking the latrine amphibians in stride. One retired pensioner said, “I saw two of them, one on the wall of the toilet, the other on the seat. I put them in a plastic container and took them into the garden.” Thankfully, no one has croaked yet. 

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Overnight Underground News May 8th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines:

The national unemployment suicide continues. Biden’s virtual rally crashes. Kelly and Reade talk up creepy Biden. San Antonio goes all in for censorship and California to screen diners for coronavirus. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Unemployment skyrockets


The unemployment numbers are in, and they ain’t pretty. The unemployment rate is hovering under fifteen percent and twenty and one half million jobs evaporated in the month of April. All in all over one hundred million people are not in the labor force. The “real” unemployment rate, which includes workers not looking for jobs and the underemployed, surged to just under twenty three percent. All that bad news couldn’t stop the market from opening up Friday morning, surging over three hundred points. According to one alleged financial fortune teller at JP Morgan, it will take a decade for the employment numbers to return to pre-pandemic numbers. That’s JP Morgan’s Bob Michelle on Bloomberg

Trump’s cunning plan

So what’s our glorious el’ Presidente’ going to do to help with the current economic woes the US is currently experiencing? NBC News is reporting Mister Trump is considering, among other steps, pushing the tax deadline back again. Although administration officials stress that no decision has been made, the date for taxes due might be pushed back to September fifteenth or even as late as December first. Presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden undoubtedly has a cunning plan too 

Biden’s virtual disaster 

Speaking of Biden, he had a virtual rally on-line on Thursday from Tampa Bay, and well, technically it didn’t go so well. The Stamford Advocate and other sources report that the streaming event was awkward and contained a number of glitches and blank screens. But that was just Joe, there were technical issues as well. But come one, cut the guy a break, he’s seventy seven and you expect him to know how to handle all those computerized doo dads,  blinkin’ lights and such? 

South Africa hacked

In South Africa, computer incontinence went a step further, when a streaming meeting of the National Assembly was hacked and attendees got an eyeful with pornographic images and insults hurled at National Assembly Speaker Thandi Modise. According to EWN News, the assembly was adjourned and technicians worked to fix the hacked Zoom meeting.

Kelly talks to Biden accuser Reade

In somewhat related news, former Fox News talking head Megan Kelly interviewed Joe Biden sexual assault accuser Tara Reade on the interneterwebertubes yesterday. The former cable bimbo, ah star beat out all the network and cable big-wigs landing the interview. Reade told Kelly she thinks Biden should drop out of the race. I’ll bet she asked him to withdraw years ago. 

Georgia men arrested for murder

The father and son who were caught on video allegedly hunting and then killing a man have been charged with murder. The video of the event created a social media meltdown in recent days and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation clamped the cuffs on the two at their home in Brunswick, Georgia, on Thursday.  Gregory and Travis McMichael were officially booked on charges of murder and aggravated assault. 

San Antonio passes hate speech law

The San Antonio City Council voted unanimously to approve a resolution labeling the term “Chinese virus” and “Kung Fu Flu” as hate speech. The council is encouraging the good folks of San Antonio to report that kinda’ hateful speech to authorities for investigation. You gotta’ wonder what the council is smoking down San Antone’ way. The Supreme Court has on numerous occasions struck down any semblance of hate speech laws in the US, citing the laws as being unconstitutional. In fact just two years ago, in  2017 Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote regarding Matal v. Tam: ” A law that can be directed against speech found offensive to some portion of the public can be turned against minority and dissenting views to the detriment of all. The First Amendment does not entrust that power to the government’s benevolence. Instead, our reliance must be on the substantial safeguards of free and open discussion in a democratic society.” The San Antonio City Council are lawmakers, you would think they might have just a smattering of constitutional jurisprudence. What a bunch of morons, maybe they all have the kung fu flu.

Cali to screen restaurant patrons

California Governor Gavin Newsom says that restaurant workers will screen patrons  for Covid-19. Newsom said the full guidelines for sit-down dining would be released on May eleventh. Bui it does appear that restaurant employees will have to perform a detailed risk assessment of diners, as to what exactly those assessments are, who the hell knows. The web site Eater speculates that temperature checks and maybe a checklist of questions to ask patrons. Good god, it sounds like a TSA checkpoint. I guess it’s the obvious evolution of the security checkpoint theater air travelers have been dealing with for two decades and Cali is the perfect place to start with a population of more than willing chattel. I wonder if California will start forcing waiters to get medical degrees. 

Queen guitarist hospitalized

Queen guitarist Brian May is in the hospital, and it doesn’t have anything  to do with coronavirus. According to the Independent, the guitar shredder is laid up for ‘ripping his buttocks to shreds’, all this happened in a gardening accident. Oh, so that’s what they’re calling it how. The 72-year-old May says he was doing some over-enthusiastic gardening when the gory gluteus maximus shedding occurred. If only if he was a girl and had a fatter bottom, he might have avoided this mess all together. 

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Overnight Underground News May Seventh 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines:

 Police using SWAT, pepper spray and knight sticks for social distancing. You won’t social distance, that’s a shooting. A Gun and knife fight battle winner in Florida. The Supreme Court flush and Trump’s butler did it. 

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Social distancing SWAT

In the US, the lockdown is definitely taking a toll and driving people and that includes the police, totally and completely nuts. Case in point: In Odessa, Texas the sheriff sent in a SWAT team to clear a protest outside a bar. The Bar, Big Daddy Zanes, was open despite going against the Governors order for bars, gyms and salons to remain closed. Bar owner Gabrielle Ellison speaking to KLBC TV. You know, you got to be careful or you could get “tooken”. 

Cops rough up non-social distancers

In New Jersey, Jersey City cops are under fire today for allegedly roughing up a group of black men for social distancing violations. Video has surfaced that shows a white cop repeatedly punching an African American man while another cop pins him to the ground. Police report six officers responded to a fight that involved somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred people. Police used pepper spray and batons to break up the crowd and their heads. Social media finger pointers are saying the cops used excessive force to enforce social distancing and the PoPo is saying the cops used just  the right amount of force for the violent situation. Who you gonna believe? 

Social distance? That’s a shooting

All right, what’s next? In Oklahoma City on wednesday, two customers shot two McDonald’s employees after being told to leave the restaurant due to coronavirus restrictions. CNN reports the perps got angry and started shootin’ when they were asked to leave due to the plague restrictions. Two suspects were apprehended after fleeing the scene. The Hamburgler could not be reached for comment. 

Gun and knife fight winners

Well, we may finally have the answer to who wins in the knife fight, gun fight challenge. Two Tampa Mensa members may have finally answered the question, unfortunately one of them is dead. It seems two men were role playing the gun vs knife fight scenario when the gun went off, killing the knife wielding man. That’s Tampa prosecutor Anthony Falcone. According to Fox thirteen Tampa Bay, the shooter, twenty four year old Neil Gallagher, is facing manslaughter charges. His defense? He didn’t know the gun was loaded. 

Jogging will kill you

And of course there’s the case of the unarmed black jogger in Georgia who appears to be being hunted and is then shot and killed back in February. A video is causing outrage online. The two men in the video who allegedly shot and killed the jogger, Ahmaud Arbery, have not been charged. 

Supreme court flush

OK, enough of all that mayhem, here’s the sound byte of the day. Yesterday the Supreme Court heard oral arguments over teleconference, due to the dangers of coronavirus. Yet it seems that some of the better arguments came out the other end.  While attorney Roman Martinez was passionately arguing in Barr v. American Association of Political Consultants, listeners, and that includes everyone with an inclination to bend an ear due to the fact that the proceedings were streamed live on the internet, clearly heard a toilet flush in the background. Although Martinez was speaking at the time of the flush, it’s not clear who pushed the plunger. It could have been the notorious RBG, Aleto, Roberts, you name it. We hear from reliable sources that they are all, literally full of sh*t. In another ironic twist at the court, during arguments about robocalls, Justice Stephen Breyer was cut off when someone tried calling him. The Justice said, Quote: “I don’t think it was a robocall.” It was probably just Mark from Microsoft calling from Mumbai about all those infections on Breyer’s computer. 

Worse than Pearl Harbor

We actually have another candidate for sound byte of the day today on the Overnight Underground. President Trump on Wednesday compared the coronavirus pandemic to Pearl Harbor and nine eleven. Needless to say, a lot of Twatters were offended and outraged, because that’s just how they roll. The President also reversed his earlier decision to disband the coronavirus task force. He said he, quote: “had no idea how popular the task force is.” Probably more popular than his current ratings. 

The butler did it. 

The President’s personal valet has tested positive for Covid-19, but Trump and his docs say he’s A OK. The valets are members of the military and work closely with the President and and the first family. According to The New York Post and other sources, the valet started exhibiting symptoms on Wednesday and later tested positive for coronavirus. The news has reportedly, quote: “hit the fan” in the west wing. Nothing a good dose of bleach won’t fix. 

Avoid driving in Georgia

Here’s a reason to stay the hell off the roads in Georgia, twenty thousand teens have received their driver licenses without a road test.  It’s all part of Georgia’s way of handling the backlog of the thousands of road tests that have been put on hold due to the coronavirus pandemic. And while you’re at it, you might want to avoid driving in Wisconsin as week. The state announced that it will start doing the same for teen drivers, starting Monday. Oh these kids today, try parallel parking a ’70s Lincoln Town Car as part of your driving test and then get back to me. 

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Overnight Underground News May 6th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines: 

Ruth Bader Ginsburg hospitalized. Joe Biden mumbles from his basement. The President forgets his mask. A Dallas hair salon owner gets jail time and an Ohio woman suffers from a flaming crotch.  

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Open up and die

Are you looking forward to your state reopening? If new research rings true from The Wharton School, you shouldn’t be. A new model from the Wharton School at the University Of Pennsylvania is predicting three hundred and fifty thousand deaths by the end of June if all states do fully open. The model focuses on three reopening scenarios, with states continuing lockdown, partial lockdown and totally reopening all states. Essentially, the different scenarios show a trade-off between deaths and job losses.  Alex Arnon senior analyst from Penn Wharton.

RBG hospitalized

Supreme Court judge Ruth Vader Ginsburg is back in the hospital. CBS News reports that Ginsburg was hospitalized on Tuesday for treatment of a gallbladder condition at Johns Hopkins. According to reports she is doing well enough to take part in oral arguments via teleconference today. The Supreme Court began hearing oral arguments on a remote basis via teleconference this week. Now wouldn’t that be fun to zoom bomb. 

Biden mumbles some more

Here’s our Overnight Underground sound byte of the day featuring presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden, live from his basement on MSNBC’s Morning Joe. So if anyone can tell us just what the hell he is actually saying, please send your interpretation to: podcast@johnford.net. Honestly, I think that someone needs to code a Joe Biden translator on the interneterweertubes, stat. 

Trump forgoes mask

The President is under fire again, can you guess what’s getting Trump thrown under the bus this time? (I really don’t know) It seems Mister Trump took a tour of a face mask manufacturing plant and well, he didn’t wear a mask. It’s not like there weren’t any available. Video of the tour of the plant show The President being shown masks and mask making equipment by plant officials while music such as “House of the Rising Sun” and “Live and Let Die” blared in the background. 

The revenge of the KKK Shopper

On Monday, the Overnight Underground News reported on a San Diego shopper at Vons  wearing a KKK hood. Today comes word that, according to ABC News San Diego, there is growing outrage over the inability of the Po Po to find the hood wearing shopper. Outrage here is the operative word. In the age of social media, outrage is what fuels the fires that rage in the digital groin. Everyone is outraged, over something. Police allegedly have been fielding calls calling for the identification and incarceration of the perp. San Diego County District Supervisor Dianne Jacob has called the incident “abhorrent” and an act of “blatant racism”. The NAACP and ACLU have even made known their outrage. That’s all fine and good, and I personally think the guy is undoubtedly an idiot, but what law did he actually break? He wore a hood as a mask. It may be abhorrent and possibly racist, but it’s a waste of police resources if he didn’t actually break any laws. Get over it and move on Francis. 

Dallas hair salon owner jailed

Opening your business in Dallas without special dispensation from the authorities, you’ll end up in the slammer. Dallas salon owner Shelley Luther was jailed yesterday for reopening in violation of a court order. The Dallas Morning News reports that the business owner defied local and state orders and a judge’s restraining order for operating her business during the pandemic.The judge offered leniency to the perp if she apologized, but Luther refused and was fined seven grand along with a week in the can. Just minutes before the judge laid down his ruling, Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced that barbershops and salons across Texas could reopen on Friday. All this gives new meaning to live free or dye. 

More Dollar Store mayhem

Yesterday we had the woman who shot and killed a security guard at the Dollar Store in Michigan, today in Michigan we give you the snot nosed Dollar Store Grandpa.  Fox News reports police in Holly, Michigan are on the lookout for a man who blew his nose on a Dollar Store employee’s tee shirt. It seems the man was told, wait for it, that he had to wear a mask to get in the store. Grumpy grandpa then told the worker at said Dollar Store “Here, I will use this as a mask” and then began wiping his face and nose on the clerk’s shirt. You may think that this story is kinda funny, but it’s snot. 

Fire-crotch in Ohio

An Ohio woman is in the pokey today because she called the cops to report that her nether regions were on fire. The Port Clinton News Herald reports that Katrina Morgan, fifty, called nine one one and told authorities that she needed help extinguishing a fire in her crotch, or to quote the police, her pussy was ablaze. She allegedly asked if the fire department’s “hose is working” and also said “I need somebody to come put it out with their hose.”  According to Police, Morgan faces charges of disrupting public services, making false alarms, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Needless to say, it does appear that alcohol was involved.

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Overnight Underground News May 5th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines: 

Chowderheads abound in open states. Trump will bring back the coronavirus press circuses. Wear a face mask or start shootin’. Kentucky woman invents the convertible face mask and Hey Wendy’s

These stories and more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford.  

American’s return to the great outdoors

Halfwits abound after some states have relaxed their stay at home order. In Texas, beaches in some areas look more like bumper to bumper flesh. So much for social distancing. In Port Aransas, just up the coast from Corpus Christi, one local posted pictures on Fakebook that shows beach goers have traded social distancing to social indifference. The beaches in Port Aransas had been off limits for a month before opening over the weekend. It is indeed, as one local put it,  a jungle out there. 

On Miami Beach, South Pointe Park was forced to shut down five days after it re-opened. According to the Miami Herald, park rangers issued nearly nine thousand verbal warnings to park goers for not wearing facial coverings. Here’s an idea, just tell the Miami Beach douchebags that surgical mask tan lines are all the rage and everyone will be wearing one. Across the state in Clearwater, Florida, beachgoers are using seaweed to create social distancing boundaries blocking off the section around their beach encampments.  In California, Governor Newsom has caved and is loosening restrictions on his stay-at-home order this week. The retail sector will start to reopen with curbside pickup and Newsom said that the state is looking to move into phase 2

Trump will resume coronavirus press conferences

The President said yesterday that his coronavirus press conferences will return, they just won’t be back on a daily basis.  As reported in the Daily News, Trump said that “everybody” enjoyed his White House coronavirus briefings and rambled on about how great the ratings were. Mister Trump, please Define everybody. 

Trump and press continue to spar

The President also took verbal pot shots at a couple of reporters. That didn’t stop the press from taking a few shots back at Trump yesterday, here’s MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough using his air-time to call out Trump to take a rest for not being well.

New strain of Covid-19 detected

Well here’s some good news, of course I jest. According to the LA TImes, there is a mutant coronavirus strain out there spreading coast to coast that is more infectious than the first round. Scientists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory, who conducted the study that exhumed the new strain, say it is now the dominant strain worldwide. The new strain, according to the eggheads, may also make those infected vulnerable to a second infection after a first bout with Covid-19. So how much longer should we all just lock ourselves down in the basement? That’s a good question, Biden may know, he seems to have gotten pretty good at hiding in his. 

No face mask? That’s a shootin’

If the security guard won’t let you into the store because your kid isn’t wearing a face mask? Why, just shoot them of course.  A woman, along with her husband and son are being charged with murder in Flint, Michigan, after shooting the security guard at the local Family Dollar store. The guard, who was enforcing the state’s face mask policy, reportedly refused the family entrance to the store because their daughter wasn’t wearing a face mask. The woman, Sharmel Teague, I guess that’s pronounced sort of like Charmin and caramel combined, Sharmel, her mother must have loved werthers candy and toilet paper, that’s all I can think of. Anyway she argued with the guard and then allegedly shot him in the back of the head. 

Kentucky woman is a moron

No matter where they may live, humans seem to often be universally stupid. A woman in Kentucky it seems has been cutting holes in her mask, exposing her mouth and nose, just to make it easier to breathe. A gas station clerk at the S J Food Mart in Lexington spotted the mask wearing Mensa member and asked her about her clever custom mask attire.  The video has already received more than eight hundred thousand likes on TikTok.

Florida woman busted

As we continue to take a trip down the isle of morons, a Florida woman has been busted for exposing her non-locked down breasts. The Smoking Gun reports that a fifty six year old Vero Beach woman was cleaning out her garage topless, in full horrific view of her neighbors, who of course called the cops on lady garage diva. The woman, according to the neighbors, quote: “bent over with her top down and started pounding on her blue plastic recycling bin making sure that the victim and the kids were looking.” Victim? Of course it can’t be unseen, and no amount of eye bleach can cure it, but victim? 

Twitter users have beef with Wendy’s

Hey Wendy’s, where’s the beef. That’s exactly what some customers are asking the fast food hamburger chain. Meat shortages have caused Wendy’s to take burgers off the menu at a number of its stores in California and across the nation. It’s reported that somewhere in the neighborhood of a fifth of Wendy’s US restaurants are lacking meat. (Bloomberg reports that some customers have taken to Twitter complaining. Taken to Twitter to complain? And you have to have noticed, yes your groceries have been taking a price hike. Milk prices are up ten percent and eggs have risen thirty percent. 

Chicken poop in the park

Sweden has a novel way of keeping people out of parks during their lockdown. In the city of Lund, which usually draws crowds numbering in the tens of thousands to celebrate Walpurgis Night in its central park, decided the best way to deal with the revelers was using chicken shit. No seriously. Officials in the Swedish city will dump more than a ton of chicken poop into the park.  According to the newspaper Syvesdenskan, the chairman of the Lund council’s environmental committee said, quote:: “We get the opportunity to fertilize the lawns, and at the same time it will stink and so it may not be so nice to sit and drink beer in the park.” Now there’s an election promise if I ever heard one. 

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