Overnight Underground News 01-31-2020

Coronavirus Alert Level 4 Citizen, Greta Nobel Prize and Name Trademark, Punxsutawney Phil PETA Clash Update, Minnie Mouse Vegas Beatdown, Daylight Savings Time Equals Death

One quick update today in the continuing coronavirus newswatch. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announced that the State Department is increasing the China Travel advisory to Level 4. (sfx) What does this mean? Should everyone panic? Of course they should. But, level 4 essentially means DO NOT TRAVEL. Do not travel to China, do not collect 400 Yen, go directly to the nearest western country and stay the hell away from China. There is no truth to the rumors that President Trump was considering leading a trade delegation to the People’s Republic of China over the weekend on a “friendship mission” and having a nice bowl of snake head and bat soup with the Chinese Premier. But a number of Democrats on Capitol are one hundred percent behind the trip. 

Secretary Pompeo on Twitter

@StateDept is increasing the #China Travel Advisory to Level 4 – Do Not Travel. This is due to the spread of the novel #coronavirus throughout China & the @WHO determination that the outbreak constitutes a Public Health Emergency of International Concern. https://t.co/BIIUdavoP0

All around perpetually angry child and eco-cult leader Greta Thunberg has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. You know, I’ve seen her speak, with that scowly mouth and her eye bulging out lookin’ like she’s gotta’ kill something, she sure doesn’t look peaceful. Anyway, The Local is reporting that not one, but two sweedish MP’s have nominated grumpy Gretta for the award. It’s not the first time for the petulant pre-pubescent, last year she was nominated and was beaten by Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed. (byte) Actually, I’d pay to watch that match. Oh, and in other Greta news, the uber-woke wonderkid has filed an application to trademark her name, according to the guardian. (byte)

Greta Thunberg files application to trademark her name

The climate activist Greta Thunberg has said she has applied to register her name and that of the Fridays For Future movement she founded in 2018, which has gone global and catapulted her to international fame.

An update from a previous story on the overnight underground news, regarding PETA, you know the organization for the ethical treatment of blah blah blah, not the delicious flat bread that pairs really well with thinly sliced and seasoned lamb and delectable meat based kebabs. You may remember, Peta wanted the town of PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa to replace Punxsutawney Phil with an animatronic gizmo, like they have at Disney, because coming out to look for his shadow once a year is cruel and unusual or something. Well anyway, the town told PETA to take a hike. (byte) Whole lot of do-do going on there. Here at the Overnight Underground, we say, eat all the animals you like, just skip the bat soup, OK. 

Punxsutawney Groundhog Club responds to PETA’s request to ‘retire Phil’

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (WJAC) — The president of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is calling for Punxsutawney Phil to retire and be replaced with an animatronic version of the groundhog. The Inner Circle says it found out about PETA’s letter from the media and adds that the idea of replacing Punxsutawney Phil with a groundhog with artificial intelligence is outrageous.

In other animal news, a woman dressed as Minnie Mouse gave a vicious beat down to a security guard on the Vegas strip. The video of the incident, which has gone as viral as the coronavirus, also shows her partner, dressed as Mickey, trying to intervene. Not to be outdone, a bystander, dressed as goofy, watches the unfolding drama from afar. You can check out the whole sordid affair on the New York Post, a link to the video is available on today’s Overnight Underground post at johnford dot net. 

Costumed Minnie Mouse pummels Vegas security guard in wild beatdown

You won’t see this on Disney+. A woman dressed as Minnie Mouse got into a wild brawl on the Las Vegas strip caught on a now-viral video. Minnie quickly lost her head – at least from her Disney costume – as she repeatedly threw haymakers at a red-headed woman wearing a jacket with “SECURITY” on the back.

You are not alone in your hatred of daylight savings time. According to anew study, published in Current Biology, that the dreaded moving ahead of clocks leads to more  fatal car crashes in the US the week following the change. Oh well, I guess we have to cull the herd one way or another. 

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Overnight Underground News 01-30-2020

Coronavirus is Good 4 US Employment, Putin Supreme Ruler, Popeyes Chic, New York  Needs Bags, Nicks Suck.

US Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Roos stuck his foot so far down his throat that he hit left-wing political outrage gold. Ross said of the coronavirus crisis in China, “I think it will help to accelerate the return of jobs to North America.” Let’s hear it straight from the horse’s ass (byte). Ross made the comment on Fox Business News, during a statement in which he said that he believed that it was nearly impossible for the US to head into a recession this year. Let’s face it, American employment is the truly important factor here, the hell with all those dead people in China. Glad at least we’ve got our priorities straight.

Don’t look now, but the russian government is starting to take their cues from North Korea. According to US News and World Report, a Ruskie government commission has proposed changing Putin’s job title to “Supreme Ruler.” The Kremlin has reportedly issued a “no comment” on the proposal, issued following Putin’s announced desire to change the Russian constitution. Oh come on, why stop there, just make him a full fledged deity why don’t cha’.

This just in, Popeye’s fried chicken has launched their own clothing line. So if you want that fry cook chic look just head to, that look form popeyes dot com. (byte) Grease stains are optional.

That Look From Popeyes

© 2020, That Look From Popeyes Powered by Shopify

New Yorkers need to get ready for bagmageddon. That bastion of journalistic integrity The New York Post reports that due to a perfect storm of banning plastic bags in the empire state and a nationwide shortage of paper bags, shoppers will be shit out of luck if they don’t bring their own. The 30 Gristedes and D’Agostino grocery stores in New York CIty ordered paper bags in December but have only received one case per store so far, yea that’s gonna’ work. Look at it this way, you can always steal that box the homeless guy is living in, out back the liquor store, to carry your groceries back to your three thousand dollar a month 450 square foot apartment, that duche broker talked you into.

How much do the Knicks suck? They sucked so bad in last knights game with the Grizzlies that fans at last night’s game chanted “Sell The Team” in unison, over and over, until the sound guy’s at Madison Square Garden turned up the music so loud the “fans” were drowned out by some pop diddy. (byte) I’m not sure, I think that maybe they were chanting for the concession to “Sell Jim Beam”? (byte)

Mike Vorkunov on Twitter

A loud “Sell the team” chant rises up at MSG with Knicks down 18 and a fracas on the court just broken up. MSG starts piping in loud music to break it up. Things are not going well in New York tonight. https://t.co/X9zM0VQ3Vg

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Overnight Underground News 01-29-2020

Trump hints at stopping flights between US and China, Starbucks closes ½ its Chinese stores, Bloomberg shakes dog’s nose, WAWA security breach update, USB Condoms Netflix firings and blind  Florida fisherman

The great orange one currently residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is hinting that it might be time to shut down flights between the US and China. According to CNBC, officials for the administration have told US airlines that the suspension of flights between the two countries could come soon. How soon? Well our cousins across the pond have already suspended all  British Airways flights between England and mainland China. So, get ready to say goodbye to those precious airline stocks, but look on the bright side, once the plague really gets rolling in the US, maybe then Trump will get everyone healthcare. 

Further proof that the apocalypse may truly be upon us, Starbucks is closing half of its stores in China. The BBC is reporting that some two thousand stores will be shuttered in China to protect its staff and quote “support government efforts” to contain the coronavirus. Semiconductor stocks have also slipped in recent days over growing weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth over supply chain fears. (byte) Despite just recording record first quarter results, Apple’s Tim Cook is also reportedly monitoring the situation, due to worries that quarantines, plagues and death could have an effect on the fruity computer companies bottom line. Better order those iPhones now, custom orders come by air not by sea, and now they come complete with pre-installed pestilence at no extra charge! 

This just in, Presidential hopeful and all around uber loaded rich guy Michael Bloomberg was hot  on the campaign trail yesterday, and shook hands with a dog’s nose.  Watch the complete dog nose video on today’s Overnight Underground post at johnford.net. 


That security breach at convenience store chain WAWA back in December, coughed up millions of credit card numbers. According to Kerbs on Security, thirty million credit card numbers were snagged from eight hundred and fifty locations nationwide. Yea, you should have passed on the WAWA hoagies and gone with a cheesesteak or Dunkin Doughnuts instead.

Practice safe computing or you could get the dreaded Hex Herpes. That’s the advice from ZD Net, because according to them we all need to buy a USB Condom. The USB data blocking condom, allegedly keeps your phone and other devices safe from pesky digital infections. (byte)  And let’s face it, you don’t want to get your iPhone knocked up from a premature discharge.

Netflix has shown the door to over a dozen of its marketing employees. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the layoffs are a shift in strategy for the streaming service, moving from marketing individual shows to marketing to the service as a whole. To many of us the Netflix already is a hole. Hey Netflix, I have an idea for you, how about more shows in English, it seems about seventy percent of the shows these days on Netflix are in some dang language other than ‘Merican. If I want to read, I’ll get a damn book.

Today’s dumb ass of the day goes to a Florida Man who mistook those fishing pole holes on his boat for the gas tank. You guessed it, the idiot pumped 30 gallons of gas directly into his bilge. UPI reports that Orange County Fire Rescue Hazmat were called to the 7-11 in Orlando where the incident occurred. A breathalyzer was administered following the mishap and the offender was deemed too drunk to drive, but not drunk enough to fish. 

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Overnight Underground News 01-27-2020

Mongolia is closed till further notice. Philly is infected… Is that redundant? Stock Market jitters in the sh*tter. Hey somebody figured out Greta is white. And yes, you can die of cake.

So sorry, we’re closed. That’s essentially what the State of Mongolia told travelers, due to the continuing mayhem and all around bad news that is the Coronavirus. Reuters is reporting that all universities and educational institutions will remain shut-down until March 2nd. Border crossings and all public gatherings will also be cancelled until further notice. Move along now citizen. Has anyone else pointed out that corona is an anagram of raccoon. Maybe Mongolia should build some kind of wall to protect themselves from the Chinese.

Philly is the latest city to join the Coronavirus hit list. An exchange student from William Penn Charter School, who recently returned from China is suspected of being the latest coronavirus infectee. Health department officials are saying that the results should be available in a few days, but by then everyone will already be dead, so there is that. (byte)

Meanwhile, before opening bell this morning, the stock markets were in a downward spiral over fears that we are all going to die. Prior to the ringing of the opening bell, dow futures were down over 400 points. No worries, everyone is long and on margin, so really, what could possibly go wrong.

Perpetually grumpy climate activist and eco-cult leader Gretta Thurnberg is now catching flack for also being a white person. (byte) According to Buzzfeed, well who else would bother, Ugandan Climate Activist Vanessa Nakate is dismayed that she was cropped out of a photo issued by the Associated Press reporting on climate change stuff from Davos. Maybe it wasn’t a true media blackout, but just the photographer checking his white balance privilege.

Let them eat cake, till they die! An Australian woman crammed so much cake down her pie-hole that she keeled over dead at a cake eating contest. The 60-year-old woman had a seizure and later passed away following the cake cramming competition. Police said the death was not suspicious, but it was delicious. Of course this is more proof that you can’t eat your cake and have it too.

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Overnight Underground News 01-24-2020

China building new 1000 bed hospital for plague, nothing to worry about. Houston goes big bada boom! Goop vagina candle gets wangy competition. Serina upset by wang. Obi Wan script not Disney’s only hope.

They say things aren’t that bad in China, however authorities are quickly building a new 1000 bed hospital to deal with the coronavirus. The AP is reporting that Wuhan, the city where the virus got its coming out party, expects to have a 270,000-square-foot hospital built by February third. Damn, that’s like next week, how do they build things so fast? We should get them to build stuff for us!  Call me crazy but h-o-s-p-i-t-a-l is not how you spell crematorium. (byte)

If the virus doesn’t get you, maybe the meteorites will. At least that’s what they’re thinking in Houston. According to the Daily Star, a meteorite or some kind of space debris fell from the sky as what many Houstinites described as a very loud sonic boom came a crashin’ down from the sky causin’ a mighty big boom at a plant in North West Houston. Or it could be just your run of the mill chemical plant explosion in the outskirts of town. Just try and avoid breathing for a while if you live nearby. 

This just in, Serina upset by Wang. (byte) That is all

Move over Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Vagina Candle, you’ve got some new tainty competition. Refinery 29, whoever the hell they are, reports that a new “Smells Like My Penis” candle is getting ready to fap the market. According to the article, the Canadian ad agency Taxi, created the flaming pungent penile replica in the name of gender pay equality. Why not get both! And fill that gender pay gap. 

Sorry to disappoint, but the new Star Wars Obi-Wan series is officially on hold. Why, because apparently the scripts are so bad, Disney is calling for new ones to be written. The series was also knocked down from six to four episodes. The Hollywood Reporter, reports, well after all it is what they do, that after writing two scripts for the Disney Plus series, the dirty little rat that ate Orlando has decided that these were “not the scripts they were looking for”.

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Overnight Underground News 1-23-2020

Flee, flee for your lives! The Corona Virus is coming from Mordor. Social Media Influencer or Prostitute? You make the call. The Simpsons has killed off lovable Apu.

China is on lockdown and we’re all going to die! Well, we are, just a matter of when. But your chances of dropping dead from the China Coronavirus are higher today than they were yesterday. Well, actually your chances of being closer to death are generally higher today than yesterday. All that being said, Reuters is reporting that a second Chinese city is now on lockdown and is imposing travel restrictions on three others, Fears are continuing to spread across the Asian region as worry over a mutating coronavirus that has killed 17 people and infected nearly 600, could, well, get very, very bad. It’s believed that the virus originally came from contaminated snake meat. So Floridians, think twice before you butcher any iguanas. What a way to make friends and influenza people China!

OK, OK, everybody panic! According to KABC in Los Angeles, a passenger with possible coronavirus symptoms has arrived at LAX. The passenger reportedly landed in LA from Mexico city. Hey where’s that wall when you need it.

Social Media influencers or prostitutes, you make the call. According to an article from the BBC, social media has become “a catalogue” for men to select their next conquest, with some offering the so-called influencers thousands of dollars in return for making the sign of the two backed beast. According to a spokesman, woman, person from the feminist group Object, the women are being exploited. Wait a second, these influencers over promote themselves on social media and when the get more attention than they bargained for, their being exploited?

Apu is officially dead. After what seemed like years of speculation following allegations of racial insensitivity and cultural nuclear warfare, Hank Azaria will reportedly no longer voice Apu on The Simpsons. Oh my got what will we do! Azaria confirmed to the web site slash film, he will no longer voice the lovable quicky mart business owner. It’s possible Apu could remain on the Simpsons, just not voiced by Azaria. I know, make him transgender with skin whitning and let’s have him voiced by Caitlin Jenner, that can’t possibly piss off anyone. Oh come on, sure it can. Next up on the cultural Simpsons wars, groundskeeper Willie, nah, he’s white and the Scotts are known for their sense of humor.

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Overnight Underground News 01-16-2020

China will export anything, including a virus. I hate politics. Women who like beards more likely to dig lice, ticks & crabs. 2 crazy naked people, kids in cages (no, not the government) & the mayors bad bagels.

It’s panic time again. A SARS like mystery Chinese virus is spreading and could be ready to head out on a whirlwind world tour. The World Health Organization announced that the disease now has its first confirmed case in Japan. Proof positive that China will export anything. They probably even copied the virus before it made its way to Japan.

So damn much politics happening in the US and anyone with half a brain no care. So let me spell this out for you. Trump is a moron, the Democrats rally around social grievance politics, the Republicans act like a deer in the headlights, Americans rally around their political tribe like it’s a damn college football game. And anyone with any common sense realizes that like in the movie “Sleeper;” it doesn’t matter whose nose you clone, all politicians are liars, criminals and thieves and it’s all just a fools game to keep you occupied while the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That is all.

From the that’s my fetish department, CNN is reporting that women who are squeamish about ticks, fleas and lice do not dig men with beards. According to a study conducted back in 2003, women who are put off by bugs and insects found in body hair, are just not into beards and staches. Me, I’m only into women who dig lice ticks and fleas.

In other assorted news today, a half naked convicted sex offender was arrested after trying to crawl through doggy door without any pants on in California. Police collared the perp before he could bury his bone. In somewhat related news, a woman at the Miami International Airport is in custody for mental evaluation after walking naked through the baggage claim singing followed by the young woman dancing on top of a police car. She must have a lot of baggage. Three people are under arrest in Alabama facing child abuse charges for allegedly locking four children in makeshift cages. What were you thinking? Only the government has the right to do that. And New York CIty Mayor DeBlasso has once again horrified his constituency, admitting he likes his bagels whole wheat and toasted, leaving New Yorkers wondering just how much longer till the hizzanor is finally toast.

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