Overnight Underground News April 20 2020


The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines: 

Unemployment jumps again. Trump is tripping. Cali closes the beaches again. Big tech moves to tracks your covid health and the lockdown rips bikini waxes.  These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford. 

Unemployment soars again

It’s the one coronavirus statistic that just doesn’t seem to flatten, the unemployment rate. As of today, we are now officially at thirty million unemployed. The unemployment numbers jumped just under four million in the last week. The Dow opened down in the two hundred point range this morning. Like it or not, the lesson many corporations are learning from the Covid economic disaster is that to move on from this nightmare we need more automation and fewer people employed in the most infected and affected  job sectors. 

Trump plans Arizona trip

It seems that President Trump has White House cabin fever and is set to get out of dodge. The great orange one announced he will visit Arizona next week. The New York Post reported earlier in the week that Trump had been getting itchy feet and was looking forward to campaign rallies and weekends at his swanky and kitschy Mara Lago retreat. 

Politico reports that this coincides with the President’s first major ad campaign that he hopes will end his slide into possible ineluctability. The spots will tout Trump’s handling of the coronavirus emergency and ads will be squarely aimed at Biden. Let’s see over sixty thousand dead, over a million confirmed cases and thirty million out of work. You know, Biden should just run the Trump ads with a laugh track under them. 

Newsom to close beaches, again

California Governor Gavin Newsom is set to order all beaches and state parks closed in his state effective Friday. Newsom blamed lack of social distancing by Californian’s for the new lock-down order. Oh hell, why not just blame stupidity. As the weather heats up in Cali, this order will undoubtedly get a lot of Californians hot under the collar. 

In somewhat unrelated news, teachers in California have called Newsom’s suggestion to reopen schools in July as being quote:  unrealistic. The teachers unions are busy reminding the Governor just who’s in charge of schools in California. In Oakland, the talk has been to delay the school year, not an earlier start to the yearly babysitting service.

Covid didn’t start in your mom’s basement

The latest poop on the coronavirus’ origin, is that the damn thing was probably not made in a lab. The AP is reporting that US intelligence agencies have concluded that the new coronavirus was not, quote: ” manmade or genetically modified.” All that being said, the agencies are still looking into whether the pandemic can be traced to contact with infected animals or possibly an accident at a Chinese lab. 

And proof positive that you can find news and statistics to prove just about damn near every side of an issue, come this from that bastion of journalistic integrity, Dnyuz dot com, reporting that senior Trump officials are pushing for spy agencies to track down evidence that will support the theory that a government laboratory in Wuhan, China was the origin of the virus. The Chinese government has, needless to say, denied  the virus leaked from a lab. The Chinese have pushed their own conspiracy theory that suggests the American military created the coronavirus. So who you gonna’ believe, our lying politicians or theirs? 

Prisons are sick

Well it’s one way to reduce the prison population. The San Francisco Gate is reporting that over seventy percent of federal inmates have the plague. Out of twenty seven hundred tests that were performed system wide, close to two thousand have come back positive for coronavirus. Let’s venture to say it’s probably not a good time to be committing any crimes. 

https://www.sfgate.com/news/article/Over-70-of-tested-inmates-in-federal-prisons-15235624.php

Pandemic gains tracking

Many Americans are good to go with tech companies tracking their Covid status and every waking and sleeping moment. Privacy rights have taken a big hit since the lockdown, and it seems that many Merican’s are tickled pink with the prospect of losing more of them. According to a new study reported in the Verve, more than half of those surveyed said they would be OK with an app that would let others know they had COVID-19. The survey conducted by the University of Maryland and the Washington Post found that Democrats responding in the survey said they were more willing to give up rights to be tracked by such an app. In completely unrelated news, Apple and Google recently released an initial version of their application programming interface that represents the first phase of tracking coronavirus infections. Coming next, undoubtedly anal probes to enter Wally World. 

Do you miss bush?

Now here’s some sad news. The coronavirus has taken its toll on the bikini waxing. Many women are, as they used to say back in the ’60s, letting it all hang out. The Sun reports, yea I know, the Sun, that bringing back the bush is all the rage right now.  No, not that bush. 

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/fashion-beauty/full-bush-back-ladies-swerve-21813064

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Overnight Underground News April 29th 2020


The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines: Pence goes naked. Cuomo’s daily bitchfest. It’s time to isolate your dog. Disinfectant-gate keeps rolling along and garbage truck fires are now a thing. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford.

The President didn’t do anything stupid enough to garner media attention yesterday, so the Vice President kindly stepped into the breech. Pence is under the gun for not wearing a face mask while visiting the Mayo Clinic. The Mayo Clinic allegedly told Pence that their policy was that all visitors need to put a mask on their puss, Pence passed on the recommendation. His reasoning for not wearing a mask? The VP said he wanted to look the healthcare workers, quote: “in the eye.” I think Pence needs to get Fauchi or one of the other White House experts to explain how to wear a mask.

New York Governor Cuomo used his bully pulpit to cast the blame of the covid pandemic on everyone but himself on Tuesday. His targets, public health agencies, the intelligence community and every politician’s favorite foil, the media.The New York Post notes that Cuomo has also openly grappled with Mayor Bill de Blasio as well on the face mask issue. Cuomo having a little Howard Beale moment on live TV.

Speaking of Mayor de Blasio, he’s getting as good as Trump for Tweeting with his foot in his mouth. The Mayor specifically called out the Jewish community in New York for gathering in large groups, following an outdoor funeral by an orthodox jewish sect in Brooklyn. The Mayor Tweeted, that he quote: “instructed the NYPD to proceed immediately to summons or even arrest those who gather in large groups.” Goodwin’s law it seems is in full effect. Right or wrong isn’t going to matter here, he’s joined the ranks of those guilty of offending someone or some group. Mister Mayor, you helped create this beast of offense, now learn live with it.

Oh brother, now you have to socially isolate your dog. The CDC has issued a warning that your pets now need to follow the same social-distancing rules as you do during the COVID-19 pandemic. So no dog parks or sniffing buts with the neighbors dogs. According to the CDC, “do not let pets interact with people or animals outside the household.” Also, avoid dog parks or public places where a large number of people and dogs gather. Last week two cats in New York came down with the infection and a pug in North Carolina became the first dog in the US known to authorities to have become infected. And no, don’t bleach your dog.

It’s just the story that the press refuses to let die, disinfectant-gate. A new Reuters poll says that ninety eight percent of ‘Mericans think injecting disinfectant into plague infected patients is a generally bad idea. Makes you wonder about the two percent who think it’s a spiffy idea. Overall Trumps ratings remain about the same as a week ago, with forty-three percent of Americans saying they approve of his overall job performance. Remember folks, use code Maga2020 for a thirty percent discount at checkout on your bleach and disinfectant needs.

Doctor Fauchi, the coronavirus expert at the White House that everyone seems so fond of, even getting Brad Pitt love on Saturday Night Live, appears to have a little alleged covid dirt of his own. According to an article reported in Newsweek, the organization led by Doctor Fauchi, the National Institute for Allergy and Infectious Diseases, financed scientists at the Wuhan Institute of Virology and other institutions for work on research on bat coronaviruses. Many scientists have been critical of the “gain of function” research that Fauchi’s institute funded, which involves manipulating viruses in the lab to probe their potential for infecting humans. The scientists’ fear revolves around the research creating a risk of unleashing a pandemic by accidental release. Sound familiar?

In a somewhat unrelated story, drug maker Pfizer is now saying that they could have a coronavirus vaccine available by the fall.  Officials from Pfizer told the Wall Street Journal that testing of the vaccine could begin as early as next week and emergency usage could happen in the fall. Clinical trials have already started in Germany, where Pfizer is working with German-based BioNtech. New York based Pfizer has already invested six hundred and fifty thousand samolians into vaccine research for coronavirus. Pfizer, aren’t they the ones who invented viagra? Tell you what, if you’re rona’ virus vaccine can also give me a woodie, I’ll pay extra. 

If you picked boneless chicken as the next food shortage to hit the US, step right up and pick up your foul prize. yea I know. Anyways, it seems meat packing plants have reduced supplies of boneless chicken and the popular cut of meat is next on the hard to find list at the store. The pandemic infections at meat packing plants have reduced slaughter activity and could make boneless cuts as rare as hens teeth. Look bunkie, here’s a little hint. It’s not that hard to take a well sharpened boning knife and bone the damn chicken yourself. I’m sure there is a youtube video that will explain it to you snowflake. The really scary thing is, there is probably a fairly large percentage of people who think boneless cuts come from boneless chickens. 

Garbage truck fires, is there anything coronavirus can’t do? It seems that with all the time we have on our hands during lockdown, folks around the country are taking advantage of that time off from work and cleaning up and doing chores that have been piling up. One problem though. Fox News Denver reports that there has been an increase in garbage truck fires. Which are undoubtedly due to more people tossing out hazardous materials such as batteries, pool chemicals, paint thinner, lighter fluid and propane tanks. When the garbage trucks use their compactor to smash the trash, it often goes boom.

 

The US may have a french fry shortage due to the cursed coronavirus, but in Belgium, they have a glut of potatoes. In fact, three quarters of a million tons of the tasty tubers are at risk of being thrown away. According to CNBC, the Belgian government is telling its citizens to eat two helpings of fries a day. The spud glut is mostly due to a fall in demand in the frozen potato sector. Now there’s a phrase you don’t hear every day, the frozen potato sector. Of course the Belgians make a damn good fry, and you can almost forgive them for slathering their wonderful fries in the devil’s condiment of emulsified raw egg yolk, oil and acid.

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