Category: News

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines:

The national unemployment suicide continues. Biden’s virtual rally crashes. Kelly and Reade talk up creepy Biden. San Antonio goes all in for censorship and California to screen diners for coronavirus. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Unemployment skyrockets

The unemployment numbers are in, and they ain’t pretty. The unemployment rate is hovering under fifteen percent and twenty and one half million jobs evaporated in the month of April. All in all over one hundred million people are not in the labor force. The “real” unemployment rate, which includes workers not looking for jobs and the underemployed, surged to just under twenty three percent. All that bad news couldn’t stop the market from opening up Friday morning, surging over three hundred points. According to one alleged financial fortune teller at JP Morgan, it will take a decade for the employment numbers to return to pre-pandemic numbers. That’s JP Morgan’s Bob Michelle on Bloomberg. 

Trump’s cunning plan

So what’s our glorious el’ Presidente’ going to do to help with the current economic woes the US is currently experiencing? NBC News is reporting Mister Trump is considering, among other steps, pushing the tax deadline back again. Although administration officials stress that no decision has been made, the date for taxes due might be pushed back to September fifteenth or even as late as December first. Presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden undoubtedly has a cunning plan too 

Biden’s virtual disaster 

Speaking of Biden, he had a virtual rally on-line on Thursday from Tampa Bay, and well, technically it didn’t go so well. The Stamford Advocate and other sources report that the streaming event was awkward and contained a number of glitches and blank screens. But that was just Joe, there were technical issues as well. But come one, cut the guy a break, he’s seventy seven and you expect him to know how to handle all those computerized doo dads,  blinkin’ lights and such? 

South Africa hacked

In South Africa, computer incontinence went a step further, when a streaming meeting of the National Assembly was hacked and attendees got an eyeful with pornographic images and insults hurled at National Assembly Speaker Thandi Modise. According to EWN News, the assembly was adjourned and technicians worked to fix the hacked Zoom meeting.

Kelly talks to Biden accuser Reade

In somewhat related news, former Fox News talking head Megan Kelly interviewed Joe Biden sexual assault accuser Tara Reade on the interneterwebertubes yesterday. The former cable bimbo, ah star beat out all the network and cable big-wigs landing the interview. Reade told Kelly she thinks Biden should drop out of the race. I’ll bet she asked him to withdraw years ago. 

Georgia men arrested for murder

The father and son who were caught on video allegedly hunting and then killing a man have been charged with murder. The video of the event created a social media meltdown in recent days and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation clamped the cuffs on the two at their home in Brunswick, Georgia, on Thursday.  Gregory and Travis McMichael were officially booked on charges of murder and aggravated assault. 

San Antonio passes hate speech law

The San Antonio City Council voted unanimously to approve a resolution labeling the term “Chinese virus” and “Kung Fu Flu” as hate speech. The council is encouraging the good folks of San Antonio to report that kinda’ hateful speech to authorities for investigation. You gotta’ wonder what the council is smoking down San Antone’ way. The Supreme Court has on numerous occasions struck down any semblance of hate speech laws in the US, citing the laws as being unconstitutional. In fact just two years ago, in  2017 Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote regarding Matal v. Tam: ” A law that can be directed against speech found offensive to some portion of the public can be turned against minority and dissenting views to the detriment of all. The First Amendment does not entrust that power to the government’s benevolence. Instead, our reliance must be on the substantial safeguards of free and open discussion in a democratic society.” The San Antonio City Council are lawmakers, you would think they might have just a smattering of constitutional jurisprudence. What a bunch of morons, maybe they all have the kung fu flu.

Cali to screen restaurant patrons

California Governor Gavin Newsom says that restaurant workers will screen patrons  for Covid-19. Newsom said the full guidelines for sit-down dining would be released on May eleventh. Bui it does appear that restaurant employees will have to perform a detailed risk assessment of diners, as to what exactly those assessments are, who the hell knows. The web site Eater speculates that temperature checks and maybe a checklist of questions to ask patrons. Good god, it sounds like a TSA checkpoint. I guess it’s the obvious evolution of the security checkpoint theater air travelers have been dealing with for two decades and Cali is the perfect place to start with a population of more than willing chattel. I wonder if California will start forcing waiters to get medical degrees. 

Queen guitarist hospitalized

Queen guitarist Brian May is in the hospital, and it doesn’t have anything  to do with coronavirus. According to the Independent, the guitar shredder is laid up for ‘ripping his buttocks to shreds’, all this happened in a gardening accident. Oh, so that’s what they’re calling it how. The 72-year-old May says he was doing some over-enthusiastic gardening when the gory gluteus maximus shedding occurred. If only if he was a girl and had a fatter bottom, he might have avoided this mess all together. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines:

 Police using SWAT, pepper spray and knight sticks for social distancing. You won’t social distance, that’s a shooting. A Gun and knife fight battle winner in Florida. The Supreme Court flush and Trump’s butler did it. 

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Social distancing SWAT

In the US, the lockdown is definitely taking a toll and driving people and that includes the police, totally and completely nuts. Case in point: In Odessa, Texas the sheriff sent in a SWAT team to clear a protest outside a bar. The Bar, Big Daddy Zanes, was open despite going against the Governors order for bars, gyms and salons to remain closed. Bar owner Gabrielle Ellison speaking to KLBC TV. You know, you got to be careful or you could get “tooken”. 

Cops rough up non-social distancers

In New Jersey, Jersey City cops are under fire today for allegedly roughing up a group of black men for social distancing violations. Video has surfaced that shows a white cop repeatedly punching an African American man while another cop pins him to the ground. Police report six officers responded to a fight that involved somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred people. Police used pepper spray and batons to break up the crowd and their heads. Social media finger pointers are saying the cops used excessive force to enforce social distancing and the PoPo is saying the cops used just  the right amount of force for the violent situation. Who you gonna believe? 

Social distance? That’s a shooting

All right, what’s next? In Oklahoma City on wednesday, two customers shot two McDonald’s employees after being told to leave the restaurant due to coronavirus restrictions. CNN reports the perps got angry and started shootin’ when they were asked to leave due to the plague restrictions. Two suspects were apprehended after fleeing the scene. The Hamburgler could not be reached for comment. 

Gun and knife fight winners

Well, we may finally have the answer to who wins in the knife fight, gun fight challenge. Two Tampa Mensa members may have finally answered the question, unfortunately one of them is dead. It seems two men were role playing the gun vs knife fight scenario when the gun went off, killing the knife wielding man. That’s Tampa prosecutor Anthony Falcone. According to Fox thirteen Tampa Bay, the shooter, twenty four year old Neil Gallagher, is facing manslaughter charges. His defense? He didn’t know the gun was loaded. 

Jogging will kill you

And of course there’s the case of the unarmed black jogger in Georgia who appears to be being hunted and is then shot and killed back in February. A video is causing outrage online. The two men in the video who allegedly shot and killed the jogger, Ahmaud Arbery, have not been charged. 

Supreme court flush

OK, enough of all that mayhem, here’s the sound byte of the day. Yesterday the Supreme Court heard oral arguments over teleconference, due to the dangers of coronavirus. Yet it seems that some of the better arguments came out the other end.  While attorney Roman Martinez was passionately arguing in Barr v. American Association of Political Consultants, listeners, and that includes everyone with an inclination to bend an ear due to the fact that the proceedings were streamed live on the internet, clearly heard a toilet flush in the background. Although Martinez was speaking at the time of the flush, it’s not clear who pushed the plunger. It could have been the notorious RBG, Aleto, Roberts, you name it. We hear from reliable sources that they are all, literally full of sh*t. In another ironic twist at the court, during arguments about robocalls, Justice Stephen Breyer was cut off when someone tried calling him. The Justice said, Quote: “I don’t think it was a robocall.” It was probably just Mark from Microsoft calling from Mumbai about all those infections on Breyer’s computer. 

Worse than Pearl Harbor

We actually have another candidate for sound byte of the day today on the Overnight Underground. President Trump on Wednesday compared the coronavirus pandemic to Pearl Harbor and nine eleven. Needless to say, a lot of Twatters were offended and outraged, because that’s just how they roll. The President also reversed his earlier decision to disband the coronavirus task force. He said he, quote: “had no idea how popular the task force is.” Probably more popular than his current ratings. 

The butler did it. 

The President’s personal valet has tested positive for Covid-19, but Trump and his docs say he’s A OK. The valets are members of the military and work closely with the President and and the first family. According to The New York Post and other sources, the valet started exhibiting symptoms on Wednesday and later tested positive for coronavirus. The news has reportedly, quote: “hit the fan” in the west wing. Nothing a good dose of bleach won’t fix. 

Avoid driving in Georgia

Here’s a reason to stay the hell off the roads in Georgia, twenty thousand teens have received their driver licenses without a road test.  It’s all part of Georgia’s way of handling the backlog of the thousands of road tests that have been put on hold due to the coronavirus pandemic. And while you’re at it, you might want to avoid driving in Wisconsin as week. The state announced that it will start doing the same for teen drivers, starting Monday. Oh these kids today, try parallel parking a ’70s Lincoln Town Car as part of your driving test and then get back to me. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines: 

Ruth Bader Ginsburg hospitalized. Joe Biden mumbles from his basement. The President forgets his mask. A Dallas hair salon owner gets jail time and an Ohio woman suffers from a flaming crotch.  

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Open up and die

Are you looking forward to your state reopening? If new research rings true from The Wharton School, you shouldn’t be. A new model from the Wharton School at the University Of Pennsylvania is predicting three hundred and fifty thousand deaths by the end of June if all states do fully open. The model focuses on three reopening scenarios, with states continuing lockdown, partial lockdown and totally reopening all states. Essentially, the different scenarios show a trade-off between deaths and job losses.  Alex Arnon senior analyst from Penn Wharton.

RBG hospitalized

Supreme Court judge Ruth Vader Ginsburg is back in the hospital. CBS News reports that Ginsburg was hospitalized on Tuesday for treatment of a gallbladder condition at Johns Hopkins. According to reports she is doing well enough to take part in oral arguments via teleconference today. The Supreme Court began hearing oral arguments on a remote basis via teleconference this week. Now wouldn’t that be fun to zoom bomb. 

Biden mumbles some more

Here’s our Overnight Underground sound byte of the day featuring presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden, live from his basement on MSNBC’s Morning Joe. So if anyone can tell us just what the hell he is actually saying, please send your interpretation to: podcast@johnford.net. Honestly, I think that someone needs to code a Joe Biden translator on the interneterweertubes, stat. 

Trump forgoes mask

The President is under fire again, can you guess what’s getting Trump thrown under the bus this time? (I really don’t know) It seems Mister Trump took a tour of a face mask manufacturing plant and well, he didn’t wear a mask. It’s not like there weren’t any available. Video of the tour of the plant show The President being shown masks and mask making equipment by plant officials while music such as “House of the Rising Sun” and “Live and Let Die” blared in the background. 

The revenge of the KKK Shopper

On Monday, the Overnight Underground News reported on a San Diego shopper at Vons  wearing a KKK hood. Today comes word that, according to ABC News San Diego, there is growing outrage over the inability of the Po Po to find the hood wearing shopper. Outrage here is the operative word. In the age of social media, outrage is what fuels the fires that rage in the digital groin. Everyone is outraged, over something. Police allegedly have been fielding calls calling for the identification and incarceration of the perp. San Diego County District Supervisor Dianne Jacob has called the incident “abhorrent” and an act of “blatant racism”. The NAACP and ACLU have even made known their outrage. That’s all fine and good, and I personally think the guy is undoubtedly an idiot, but what law did he actually break? He wore a hood as a mask. It may be abhorrent and possibly racist, but it’s a waste of police resources if he didn’t actually break any laws. Get over it and move on Francis. 

Dallas hair salon owner jailed

Opening your business in Dallas without special dispensation from the authorities, you’ll end up in the slammer. Dallas salon owner Shelley Luther was jailed yesterday for reopening in violation of a court order. The Dallas Morning News reports that the business owner defied local and state orders and a judge’s restraining order for operating her business during the pandemic.The judge offered leniency to the perp if she apologized, but Luther refused and was fined seven grand along with a week in the can. Just minutes before the judge laid down his ruling, Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced that barbershops and salons across Texas could reopen on Friday. All this gives new meaning to live free or dye. 

More Dollar Store mayhem

Yesterday we had the woman who shot and killed a security guard at the Dollar Store in Michigan, today in Michigan we give you the snot nosed Dollar Store Grandpa.  Fox News reports police in Holly, Michigan are on the lookout for a man who blew his nose on a Dollar Store employee’s tee shirt. It seems the man was told, wait for it, that he had to wear a mask to get in the store. Grumpy grandpa then told the worker at said Dollar Store “Here, I will use this as a mask” and then began wiping his face and nose on the clerk’s shirt. You may think that this story is kinda funny, but it’s snot. 

Fire-crotch in Ohio

An Ohio woman is in the pokey today because she called the cops to report that her nether regions were on fire. The Port Clinton News Herald reports that Katrina Morgan, fifty, called nine one one and told authorities that she needed help extinguishing a fire in her crotch, or to quote the police, her pussy was ablaze. She allegedly asked if the fire department’s “hose is working” and also said “I need somebody to come put it out with their hose.”  According to Police, Morgan faces charges of disrupting public services, making false alarms, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Needless to say, it does appear that alcohol was involved.

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines: 

Chowderheads abound in open states. Trump will bring back the coronavirus press circuses. Wear a face mask or start shootin’. Kentucky woman invents the convertible face mask and Hey Wendy’s

These stories and more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford.  

American’s return to the great outdoors

Halfwits abound after some states have relaxed their stay at home order. In Texas, beaches in some areas look more like bumper to bumper flesh. So much for social distancing. In Port Aransas, just up the coast from Corpus Christi, one local posted pictures on Fakebook that shows beach goers have traded social distancing to social indifference. The beaches in Port Aransas had been off limits for a month before opening over the weekend. It is indeed, as one local put it,  a jungle out there. 

On Miami Beach, South Pointe Park was forced to shut down five days after it re-opened. According to the Miami Herald, park rangers issued nearly nine thousand verbal warnings to park goers for not wearing facial coverings. Here’s an idea, just tell the Miami Beach douchebags that surgical mask tan lines are all the rage and everyone will be wearing one. Across the state in Clearwater, Florida, beachgoers are using seaweed to create social distancing boundaries blocking off the section around their beach encampments.  In California, Governor Newsom has caved and is loosening restrictions on his stay-at-home order this week. The retail sector will start to reopen with curbside pickup and Newsom said that the state is looking to move into phase 2. 

Trump will resume coronavirus press conferences

The President said yesterday that his coronavirus press conferences will return, they just won’t be back on a daily basis.  As reported in the Daily News, Trump said that “everybody” enjoyed his White House coronavirus briefings and rambled on about how great the ratings were. Mister Trump, please Define everybody. 

Trump and press continue to spar

The President also took verbal pot shots at a couple of reporters. That didn’t stop the press from taking a few shots back at Trump yesterday, here’s MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough using his air-time to call out Trump to take a rest for not being well.

New strain of Covid-19 detected

Well here’s some good news, of course I jest. According to the LA TImes, there is a mutant coronavirus strain out there spreading coast to coast that is more infectious than the first round. Scientists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory, who conducted the study that exhumed the new strain, say it is now the dominant strain worldwide. The new strain, according to the eggheads, may also make those infected vulnerable to a second infection after a first bout with Covid-19. So how much longer should we all just lock ourselves down in the basement? That’s a good question, Biden may know, he seems to have gotten pretty good at hiding in his. 

No face mask? That’s a shootin’

If the security guard won’t let you into the store because your kid isn’t wearing a face mask? Why, just shoot them of course.  A woman, along with her husband and son are being charged with murder in Flint, Michigan, after shooting the security guard at the local Family Dollar store. The guard, who was enforcing the state’s face mask policy, reportedly refused the family entrance to the store because their daughter wasn’t wearing a face mask. The woman, Sharmel Teague, I guess that’s pronounced sort of like Charmin and caramel combined, Sharmel, her mother must have loved werthers candy and toilet paper, that’s all I can think of. Anyway she argued with the guard and then allegedly shot him in the back of the head. 

Kentucky woman is a moron

No matter where they may live, humans seem to often be universally stupid. A woman in Kentucky it seems has been cutting holes in her mask, exposing her mouth and nose, just to make it easier to breathe. A gas station clerk at the S J Food Mart in Lexington spotted the mask wearing Mensa member and asked her about her clever custom mask attire.  The video has already received more than eight hundred thousand likes on TikTok.

Florida woman busted

As we continue to take a trip down the isle of morons, a Florida woman has been busted for exposing her non-locked down breasts. The Smoking Gun reports that a fifty six year old Vero Beach woman was cleaning out her garage topless, in full horrific view of her neighbors, who of course called the cops on lady garage diva. The woman, according to the neighbors, quote: “bent over with her top down and started pounding on her blue plastic recycling bin making sure that the victim and the kids were looking.” Victim? Of course it can’t be unseen, and no amount of eye bleach can cure it, but victim? 

Twitter users have beef with Wendy’s

Hey Wendy’s, where’s the beef. That’s exactly what some customers are asking the fast food hamburger chain. Meat shortages have caused Wendy’s to take burgers off the menu at a number of its stores in California and across the nation. It’s reported that somewhere in the neighborhood of a fifth of Wendy’s US restaurants are lacking meat. (Bloomberg reports that some customers have taken to Twitter complaining. Taken to Twitter to complain? And you have to have noticed, yes your groceries have been taking a price hike. Milk prices are up ten percent and eggs have risen thirty percent. 

Chicken poop in the park

Sweden has a novel way of keeping people out of parks during their lockdown. In the city of Lund, which usually draws crowds numbering in the tens of thousands to celebrate Walpurgis Night in its central park, decided the best way to deal with the revelers was using chicken shit. No seriously. Officials in the Swedish city will dump more than a ton of chicken poop into the park.  According to the newspaper Syvesdenskan, the chairman of the Lund council’s environmental committee said, quote:: “We get the opportunity to fertilize the lawns, and at the same time it will stink and so it may not be so nice to sit and drink beer in the park.” Now there’s an election promise if I ever heard one. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

Trump ups the death toll ante. Zero bail fail in California. The worst coronavirus mask choice ever and Pink Floyd’s Roger Waters just loves Biden.  These stories coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford.  

Trump ups the ante. 

You know, just when you think things might be getting better, comes news reported on the New York Times that the Trump administration is projecting somewhere in the neighborhood of three thousand daily deaths by early June. The President is pushing for states to open up and get the economy back on track with an upbeat approach to ending the lockdown, but apparently the administration is privately worried about a second wave and new deaths reaching that three thousand mark next month. 

In his town hall promotional event, Trump said that deaths could reach a hundred thousand, that’s double his prediction from just two weeks ago. Trump also said this on Friday concerning coronavirus death totals President Trump reiterating how proud he is of his administration’s death totals. Trump also took time out from his virtual town hall to take a swipe at his favorite enemy, the press. In this exchange, the President compares himself to Lincoln. Other than that Mister President, how was the play. 

Cali bail fail

California’s coronavirus zero bail policy is working out well. So well in fact that one guy was arrested and released three times in one day. ABC News reports that Dijon Landrum, can you believe it, his mother named him after mustard,  was arrested in Glendora for car theft and was allegedly attempting to drive away in the stolen vehicle. He was issued a citation and released. About an hour later. Mister mustard  was then nabbed for stealing property from multiple  homeowners yards, again he was issued a citation and released. Later that night he got busted for stealing a car and again cited and released. There is no truth to the rumor that the LA police are going to start a loyalty rewards program for criminals so they can rack up points for fun and prizes on the catch and release program. 

KKK coronavirus mask

Well, all you said was we had to wear a mask. In the San Diego suburb of Santee, a shopper showed up at the Vons grocery store donning a KKK mask. Needless to say, some folks have their panties in a bunch over it, including the local mayor. According to Seven San Diego, grocery store workers repeatedly asked the man to take off the hood, but he just ignored them until he was in the checkout area. I suppose that’s one way to maintain social distancing. 

Roger Waters dunks Biden

Former Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters, hasn’t let his disdain for republican politicians get in the way to taking a shot at Joe Biden. In a recent interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, Waters called the presumptive Democratic nominee for President, a… well let’s let Waters speak for himself. Come on, Roger, tell us what you really think. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

Joe says he’s an innocent man. Trump claims Covid and China rink, ah link. Illinois Governor gets foot in mouth disease. Michigan goes nuts and India invents giant Covid tongs. These stories and more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground.  I’m John Ford.  

It ain’t so says Joe

Presumptive Presidential Democratic Nominee Joe Biden released a statement Friday morning that the allegations of sexual impropriety with Tara Reade are, quote: “They aren’t true. This never happened.”  Biden has been under the microscope from his political enemies and others claiming that this proves the hypocrisy within the Democratic party and the “me too” movement. Of course, yesterday’s tautology apologetic by speaker Nancy Pelosi didn’t help.  Nancy Pelosi yesterday defending Joe Biden from sexual assault accusations. Here’s Biden on MSNBC’s Morning Joe on Friday:  wait, I’m sorry, that’s the wrong one. .

https://twitter.com/MSNBC/status/1256195709101015040

Yesterday, MSNBC’s Chris Hayes found himself on the wrong end of a rabid Twitter mob, which is always a pain in the patooty. as #FireChrisHayes was trending like wildfire.  The cable talking head is the first prime-time host on the left leaning MSNBC to cover Tara Reade’s sexual assault allegations against Biden, and Biden’s supporters, well, they didn’t like it. Biden had been seen as the “safe” choice among the Democratic candidates, but with this sexual assault allegation, his rambling, sometimes crazy and mumbling speech  and little things like confusing his wife and his sister, there’s no doubt that Hillary is cowering in the corner salavatin’ like a rabid dog and just waiting for the right time to pounce. 

President claims China linked to pandemic

The President claims to have seen evidence that links a lab in Wuhan, China to the start of the coronavirus pandemic. (bite-trump 1) Trump at yesterday’s new circus. When he was pressed about the proof, he responded, quote: “I can’t tell you that. I am not allowed to tell you that.” President Trump also said this concerning any retribution towards China.  Of course, China has denied any involvement. Who are you kidding, we all know Bill Gates paid China and Nancy Pelosi to cook it up in her million dollar refrigerator so ice cream futures would spike.  Now comes word that Trump is going to hold China accountable for Covid 19. CNN reports the punishment could include possible sanctions and cancellation of US debt. 

Stay at home and mind your own business

Well it seems that a politician sticking his foot in his or her mouth is becoming a daily occurrence here on the overnight underground. Please welcome the Governor of Illinois to the club.  During an Illinois coronavirus press conference, Governor Pritzker said this when asked by a reporter why his wife wasn’t following his and the states stay at home order,  Reports are that the Governor’s wife hopped on a plane for a little vacay in  Florida. The Governor, According to  Chicagobusiness.com, owns a twelve million dollar horse farm in Florida which he purchased back in 2018. Of course the best answer he could have given would have been, “She’s staying at home, just a different home. We own a whole bunch of em.”

Michigan protests lockdown

Things continue to get dicey in Michigan. On Thursday hundreds of protesters, many with big, black scary rifles, stormed Michigan’s capitol, protesting the state’s lockdown. Protesters inside the Michigan capitol house. All this was happening while the Legislature was debating on whether to extend the Governor’s state of emergency in response to the pandemic. The Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer has since used her executive privilege to extend the state’s coronavirus emergency lockdown. Something tells me this may not end well. Some of the protesters attempted to gain entry to the House floor but were blocked by state police and the sergeants-at-arms. Anti-lockdown protests are also scheduled today in Chicago, Los Angeles and New York. Should be fun 

Texas opens up

The good news is, today Texas ends it’s stay at home lockdown. The bad news, Texas coronavirus fatalities hit a one-day high, one day before reopening. Fifty new deaths were reported on Thursday, that’s just, as I just said,  one day before Governor Greg Abbott’s stay-at-home order was set to die. The Texas Democratic Party issued a statement attacking Abbott’s decision to reopen. The Overnight Underground was able to obtain this exclusive audio from deep within the halls of the Texas Democratic party headquarters, concerning Governor Abbot.  The Republican response.  Of course, that was 

Markets take a dive

The markets are feeling a little crappy today, with the Dow falling over four hundred points and Amazon and Apple leading the tech losers. Of course, all this could change at the drop of a hat. The down trend comes following Wall Street’s biggest monthly surge in over three decades.  

Giant tongs for arrestin’

One of the issues police have been wrestling with is how to arrest the evil doers and law breakers without becoming infected with the coronavirus while nabbing the perp. In India, police have come up with a novel idea, giant tongs. The po po in India are tackling social distancing and lawbreakers by using a  6-foot pole with a giant claw at the end to collar a suspect.  That’s the actual sound of said giant claw. The police officer dons a surgical mask, clamps the device around the perp’s waist and guides the criminal into a pickup truck before taking him or her to the pokie. 

https://twitter.com/DgpChdPolice/status/1254016219834916866

Better than gargling with a dildo

Steely Dan frontman Donald Fagen told Rolling Stone that he is weathering the pandemic by gargling clorox under a sunlamp.  When asked if he had anything to say to his fans, The Nightfly responded, quote: “What can I say? The Prez has a loose wig and it’s tragic. So dig the docs and hunker down in your hidey-holes until they say it’s cool to hit the downbeat.” Hey, Mister Fagen, go drink your big black cow and get outta here. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines: 

Unemployment jumps again. Trump is tripping. Cali closes the beaches again. Big tech moves to tracks your covid health and the lockdown rips bikini waxes.  These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford. 

Unemployment soars again

It’s the one coronavirus statistic that just doesn’t seem to flatten, the unemployment rate. As of today, we are now officially at thirty million unemployed. The unemployment numbers jumped just under four million in the last week. The Dow opened down in the two hundred point range this morning. Like it or not, the lesson many corporations are learning from the Covid economic disaster is that to move on from this nightmare we need more automation and fewer people employed in the most infected and affected  job sectors. 

Trump plans Arizona trip

It seems that President Trump has White House cabin fever and is set to get out of dodge. The great orange one announced he will visit Arizona next week. The New York Post reported earlier in the week that Trump had been getting itchy feet and was looking forward to campaign rallies and weekends at his swanky and kitschy Mara Lago retreat. 

Politico reports that this coincides with the President’s first major ad campaign that he hopes will end his slide into possible ineluctability. The spots will tout Trump’s handling of the coronavirus emergency and ads will be squarely aimed at Biden. Let’s see over sixty thousand dead, over a million confirmed cases and thirty million out of work. You know, Biden should just run the Trump ads with a laugh track under them. 

Newsom to close beaches, again

California Governor Gavin Newsom is set to order all beaches and state parks closed in his state effective Friday. Newsom blamed lack of social distancing by Californian’s for the new lock-down order. Oh hell, why not just blame stupidity. As the weather heats up in Cali, this order will undoubtedly get a lot of Californians hot under the collar. 

In somewhat unrelated news, teachers in California have called Newsom’s suggestion to reopen schools in July as being quote:  unrealistic. The teachers unions are busy reminding the Governor just who’s in charge of schools in California. In Oakland, the talk has been to delay the school year, not an earlier start to the yearly babysitting service.

Covid didn’t start in your mom’s basement

The latest poop on the coronavirus’ origin, is that the damn thing was probably not made in a lab. The AP is reporting that US intelligence agencies have concluded that the new coronavirus was not, quote: ” manmade or genetically modified.” All that being said, the agencies are still looking into whether the pandemic can be traced to contact with infected animals or possibly an accident at a Chinese lab. 

And proof positive that you can find news and statistics to prove just about damn near every side of an issue, come this from that bastion of journalistic integrity, Dnyuz dot com, reporting that senior Trump officials are pushing for spy agencies to track down evidence that will support the theory that a government laboratory in Wuhan, China was the origin of the virus. The Chinese government has, needless to say, denied  the virus leaked from a lab. The Chinese have pushed their own conspiracy theory that suggests the American military created the coronavirus. So who you gonna’ believe, our lying politicians or theirs? 

Prisons are sick

Well it’s one way to reduce the prison population. The San Francisco Gate is reporting that over seventy percent of federal inmates have the plague. Out of twenty seven hundred tests that were performed system wide, close to two thousand have come back positive for coronavirus. Let’s venture to say it’s probably not a good time to be committing any crimes. 

https://www.sfgate.com/news/article/Over-70-of-tested-inmates-in-federal-prisons-15235624.php

Pandemic gains tracking

Many Americans are good to go with tech companies tracking their Covid status and every waking and sleeping moment. Privacy rights have taken a big hit since the lockdown, and it seems that many Merican’s are tickled pink with the prospect of losing more of them. According to a new study reported in the Verve, more than half of those surveyed said they would be OK with an app that would let others know they had COVID-19. The survey conducted by the University of Maryland and the Washington Post found that Democrats responding in the survey said they were more willing to give up rights to be tracked by such an app. In completely unrelated news, Apple and Google recently released an initial version of their application programming interface that represents the first phase of tracking coronavirus infections. Coming next, undoubtedly anal probes to enter Wally World. 

Do you miss bush?

Now here’s some sad news. The coronavirus has taken its toll on the bikini waxing. Many women are, as they used to say back in the ’60s, letting it all hang out. The Sun reports, yea I know, the Sun, that bringing back the bush is all the rage right now.  No, not that bush. 

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/fashion-beauty/full-bush-back-ladies-swerve-21813064

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines: Pence goes naked. Cuomo’s daily bitchfest. It’s time to isolate your dog. Disinfectant-gate keeps rolling along and garbage truck fires are now a thing. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford.

The President didn’t do anything stupid enough to garner media attention yesterday, so the Vice President kindly stepped into the breech. Pence is under the gun for not wearing a face mask while visiting the Mayo Clinic. The Mayo Clinic allegedly told Pence that their policy was that all visitors need to put a mask on their puss, Pence passed on the recommendation. His reasoning for not wearing a mask? The VP said he wanted to look the healthcare workers, quote: “in the eye.” I think Pence needs to get Fauchi or one of the other White House experts to explain how to wear a mask.

New York Governor Cuomo used his bully pulpit to cast the blame of the covid pandemic on everyone but himself on Tuesday. His targets, public health agencies, the intelligence community and every politician’s favorite foil, the media.The New York Post notes that Cuomo has also openly grappled with Mayor Bill de Blasio as well on the face mask issue. Cuomo having a little Howard Beale moment on live TV.

Speaking of Mayor de Blasio, he’s getting as good as Trump for Tweeting with his foot in his mouth. The Mayor specifically called out the Jewish community in New York for gathering in large groups, following an outdoor funeral by an orthodox jewish sect in Brooklyn. The Mayor Tweeted, that he quote: “instructed the NYPD to proceed immediately to summons or even arrest those who gather in large groups.” Goodwin’s law it seems is in full effect. Right or wrong isn’t going to matter here, he’s joined the ranks of those guilty of offending someone or some group. Mister Mayor, you helped create this beast of offense, now learn live with it.

Oh brother, now you have to socially isolate your dog. The CDC has issued a warning that your pets now need to follow the same social-distancing rules as you do during the COVID-19 pandemic. So no dog parks or sniffing buts with the neighbors dogs. According to the CDC, “do not let pets interact with people or animals outside the household.” Also, avoid dog parks or public places where a large number of people and dogs gather. Last week two cats in New York came down with the infection and a pug in North Carolina became the first dog in the US known to authorities to have become infected. And no, don’t bleach your dog.

It’s just the story that the press refuses to let die, disinfectant-gate. A new Reuters poll says that ninety eight percent of ‘Mericans think injecting disinfectant into plague infected patients is a generally bad idea. Makes you wonder about the two percent who think it’s a spiffy idea. Overall Trumps ratings remain about the same as a week ago, with forty-three percent of Americans saying they approve of his overall job performance. Remember folks, use code Maga2020 for a thirty percent discount at checkout on your bleach and disinfectant needs.

Doctor Fauchi, the coronavirus expert at the White House that everyone seems so fond of, even getting Brad Pitt love on Saturday Night Live, appears to have a little alleged covid dirt of his own. According to an article reported in Newsweek, the organization led by Doctor Fauchi, the National Institute for Allergy and Infectious Diseases, financed scientists at the Wuhan Institute of Virology and other institutions for work on research on bat coronaviruses. Many scientists have been critical of the “gain of function” research that Fauchi’s institute funded, which involves manipulating viruses in the lab to probe their potential for infecting humans. The scientists’ fear revolves around the research creating a risk of unleashing a pandemic by accidental release. Sound familiar?

In a somewhat unrelated story, drug maker Pfizer is now saying that they could have a coronavirus vaccine available by the fall.  Officials from Pfizer told the Wall Street Journal that testing of the vaccine could begin as early as next week and emergency usage could happen in the fall. Clinical trials have already started in Germany, where Pfizer is working with German-based BioNtech. New York based Pfizer has already invested six hundred and fifty thousand samolians into vaccine research for coronavirus. Pfizer, aren’t they the ones who invented viagra? Tell you what, if you’re rona’ virus vaccine can also give me a woodie, I’ll pay extra. 

If you picked boneless chicken as the next food shortage to hit the US, step right up and pick up your foul prize. yea I know. Anyways, it seems meat packing plants have reduced supplies of boneless chicken and the popular cut of meat is next on the hard to find list at the store. The pandemic infections at meat packing plants have reduced slaughter activity and could make boneless cuts as rare as hens teeth. Look bunkie, here’s a little hint. It’s not that hard to take a well sharpened boning knife and bone the damn chicken yourself. I’m sure there is a youtube video that will explain it to you snowflake. The really scary thing is, there is probably a fairly large percentage of people who think boneless cuts come from boneless chickens. 

Garbage truck fires, is there anything coronavirus can’t do? It seems that with all the time we have on our hands during lockdown, folks around the country are taking advantage of that time off from work and cleaning up and doing chores that have been piling up. One problem though. Fox News Denver reports that there has been an increase in garbage truck fires. Which are undoubtedly due to more people tossing out hazardous materials such as batteries, pool chemicals, paint thinner, lighter fluid and propane tanks. When the garbage trucks use their compactor to smash the trash, it often goes boom.

The US may have a french fry shortage due to the cursed coronavirus, but in Belgium, they have a glut of potatoes. In fact, three quarters of a million tons of the tasty tubers are at risk of being thrown away. According to CNBC, the Belgian government is telling its citizens to eat two helpings of fries a day. The spud glut is mostly due to a fall in demand in the frozen potato sector. Now there’s a phrase you don’t hear every day, the frozen potato sector. Of course the Belgians make a damn good fry, and you can almost forgive them for slathering their wonderful fries in the devil’s condiment of emulsified raw egg yolk, oil and acid.

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines: We’re losing our meat. Where is Kim? Biden wants economic intercourse. Dive through dildos, naked German doctors and celebrities’ faces are deflating.  These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News.  I’m John Ford.

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines: Things are opening up. Please don’t drink the bleach. Crazy things people believe and stupid sayings from Florida. All coming up on today’s Overnight Underground. I’m John Ford.

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