The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines:

Rat armies are invading our cities. Fun, sun and guns at the beach for Memorial Day. The name Karen is now officially a racial slur.  Oh great, now there is coronavirus ache and Larry King inks five million dollar podcast deal.

All this and more on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Rat armies are here

If the rona’ doesn’t get you, the raging hordes of “roving rat armies” will. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is taking the leap from bacteria and virus oversight to rodent control. As reported last week on The Overnight Underground, with so many humans on lockdown, rats are having a field day, especially in densely packed cities. The CDC is advising American’s to be on the lookout for rodents that are exhibiting unusual or aggressive rodent behavior. Which begs the question, what exactly is unusual behavior for a rat? Bobby Corrigan, an urban rodentologist, told NBC News quote: “So these rats are fighting with one another, now the adults are killing the young in the nest and cannibalizing the pups.” In New Orleans, during the lockdown rodents literally took over Bourbon Street, some even seen carrying giant frozen daiquiris. New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell. No matter what, there’s always one kind of vermin or another perambulating down Bourbon Street

Guns and fun for Memorial day

And what a Memorial Day weekend it was. American’s headed to the beaches for some fun, sun and of course gunfire over the holiday weekend. Myrtle Beach and Daytona Beach both experienced the firearm fun by otherwise mostly law observing citizens.  WESH TV 2 reported that six people were shot and wounded near the boardwalk in Daytona Beach. Near  Myrtle Beach, two people were killed and five others hurt when gunfire erupted at a Memorial weekend party, according to Fox Carolina. And according to Seven News Chicago, there were ten homicides over the weekend and nearly fifty shot. The moron index was bending the needle over the weekend here in the US of A. 

Twitter is apologizing for Trump

Trump has Tweeted in the past about the death of  a woman who died in the office of then GOP Representative Joe Scarborough twenty years ago. The AP is reporting that now the husband of that woman, Lori Kaye Klausutis, is demanding that Twitter delete Trump’s tweets that allegedly suggest Scarborough murdered her. In a letter to Twitter’s commander in twat, Jack Dorsey, the man said the tworts violate Twitter’s community rules and terms of service. In a response, the Twiddling company said that they were, quote: “deeply sorry about the pain these statements, and the attention they are drawing, are causing the family.” The company stopped short of any censorship or statements generally regarding Trump’s Tweets.

Michigan Governor gets a taste of her own medicine

Here’s today’s story regarding glass houses and stone throwers and all that. In the last week or so, the Governor of Michigan and some of the state’s citizens have been at odds over the power of the Governor and the lockdown. Even to the point of some armed Michiganders storming the Capitol building in Lansing. Well now it seems that despite Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s push for some of the harshest lock-downs in the US, her family, it seems, feels entitled enough to ignore the rules. Whitmer did recently ease some lockdown restrictions for Memorial Day weekend. She said in a news conference, quote: “if you don’t live in these regions … think long and hard before you take a trip into them. Don’t descend on Traverse City from all regions of the state.” Well, Three days later, according to the Detroit News, a marina owner in the Traverse City area posted on Facebook that the governor’s husband, Marc Mallory, had asked the marina to get their boat in the water before Memorial Day. Now the Governor appears to be all wet. 

Woman calls 911 because she sees a black man in the park

Let’s see what else we have in the outrage column for today. Have you heard about the story of the white woman walking her dog without a leash in Central Park when a black man asks her to put the dog on a leash. The woman then goes apoplectic and calls 911. The woman has since issued an apology, had her dog taken from her by animal rescue and placed on leave from her job. Amy Cooper, the dog walking woman in question, told CNN that her life is being destroyed over the video of the incident.  Job well done all the way around. You know, that’s the kind of schadenfreude we need, to see some woman’s life destroyed always makes you feel better about your own life.  The whole thing is just such a non-story, but it’s getting national attention, because someone is outraged and we demand someone suffer for it. People, mind your own damn business and just treat each other like human beings, or better yet, like a good dog. 

Coronavirus acne

There is a new malady striking mask wearers, and it’s name is ‘maskne.’ According to Fox News, maskne is acne that forms under the areas of your face that are covered by a mask. It seems, when you wear a mask, you are essentially sealing in your breath. This creates a moist, humid environment leading to irritation, rashes and acne. It’s kind of like a diaper rash for your face. By tomorrow latest, I want to see everyone applying butt paste to their faces stat. 

Covid-19 blackouts could hit cities

The next coronavirus related horse shit we might have to deal with this summer? Why rolling blackouts of course. According to The Daily Beast, yea I know, it’s the Daily Beast. Now that so many people are working from home, air conditioning use may spike during the summer causing strains on the nation’s grids from sea to shining sea. Just shove a snow cone down your shorts. 

Face mask bikinis are now a thing

A performance artist in LA decided standing out front of a Trader Joe’s wearing a bikini made entirely of face masks was the perfect way to protest the coronavirus lockdown. The Free Press Journal has the eye bleach primed photos if you just have to see them. The face mask wearing ding dong wrote in a Fakebook post that she believes coronavirus is a hoax created to erode freedoms, forcing people to wear masks in public and some other wackadoodle notions. And like with everyone else these days there is outrage over her stunt, with people responding to her Fakebook post of the event over her misuse of personal protective equipment and others calling her a “Karen.” Honestly, when did calling a white woman a “Karen” become an acceptable racial slur? Where’s the outrage over that?

Panty face masks are now a thing. 

Maybe “Karen” should have sent a woman in Ukraine an extra face mask or two. The Daily Star reports that a woman in Kiev, when told she would not be waited on at a business unless she was wearing a face mask, proceed to drop her pants, whipped off her undies and put said panties over her punim and of course then proceeded to use them as a face mask. Talk about getting your knickers in a twist. 

Larry King still alive

You know Joe Rogan I can understand getting a multi-million dollar contract, but Larry King?! It seems Larry King just inked a five million dollar podcast deal. I’ll bet most people thought he was already dead and anyone under forty, their response would undoubtedly be “Larry who.” According to Variety, The hour-long podcast will feature guests from pop culture, sports, music and comedy. The guy must have pictures of someone or something. Five million bucks? Sources say the name of the new podcast is, The Millionth Question. There is no truth to the rumor that “The Ninth Divorce” was also in the running. 

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A look back at the top stories covered this week on the *award winning Overnight Underground News Podcast. Sponsored by the The American Society of Vapid Flatulence. With your host, John Ford. (*winner of the podcast least likely to win an award, award)

Check out this episode!

The Overnight Underground News Podcast and some things to know today:

Trump will order flags to fly at half mast over covid-19. Caesars Palace and the Flamingo will be the first casinos to open in Vegas. China jockeys for total Hong Kong makeover, ah takeover. A Pakistani airliner has crashed killing at least a hundred and the man who filmed the Ahmaud Arbery shooting is arrested for murder.

It’s the Overnight Underground News, and I’m John Ford.  

Trump and Michigan AG go at it

The President and the Michigan Attorney General are trading verbal blows over Trump’s decision not to wear a mask. Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel played the Trump card and made numerous scathing Twitter posts overnight calling Trump a “petulant child.” What’s alit all about? Trump not wearing a face mask at a Ford assembly plant. Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel on CNN.  Trump’s response? He fired back in a tweet calling Nessel a, quote: “”Do nothing A.G. of the Great State of Michigan.” Honestly, I think they both sound like petulant children. Such is the state on the American political stage in the year of our lord, two thousand and twenty. 

Trump definitely maybe on his tests

Let’s slide this little item in, the sound byte of the day. It’s none other than your President and mine, Bullwinkle J Trump responding to a reporter’s question about his controversial hydroxychloroquine treatment to ward off COVID-19. The President said this: Yea, I believe that’s a definite maybe. Could it be that during the test the nose swab rammed a little too far up the Presidential snoot and caused some more brain damage to the ol’ executive noodle. Just sayin’. 

But wait, we’ve also got another contender for the sound byte of the day, and it’s from none other than presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden.  Biden told African American radio host “Charlamagne tha God” on a Friday morning interview that if someone is having difficulty choosing between him and Trump then they “ain’t black.” You know, I think that one is better than this one from the other day. It’s a total race to the bottom with these two. Honestly, I think 

Churches essential

Friday President Trump played to his religious electorate and announced that his administration will deem “houses of worship” as essential businesses. The President went on to call out some Governors who have deemed liquor stores and abortion clinics as essential but still won’t allow churches to reopen. Hey, what about A-A meetings at the church, is that OK?

Mark Cuban calls Trump and Biden technologically illiterate

Rich guy Mark Cuban said pretty much the same thing to Sean Hannity the other night, that both Trump and Biden are bad choices for leader of the free world. What’s that all about? Cuban told CNBC he hasn’t ruled out an independent run for the White House in 2020. He went on to say that he believes both Biden and Trump are, quote: “technologically illiterate,” whatever that means. Unfortunately these days, technologically literate means knowing how to like on fakebook and retweet a cat video. One thing we know for sure is that Trump knows how to be the Twatter in chief and Biden… well, poor Uncle Joe is still movin’ kinda’ slow with his functions. We hear Biden still has trouble finding the “any” key and totally believes the slide out CD tray is indeed a cup holder.

Boiled babies, yum!

Just how far will some journalists go to double down just to make sure Trump doesn’t get reelected in November? Over at The Nation, journo Katha Pollitt seems to have the answer. Pollitt remarked in an article discussing the Joe Biden and Tara Reed scandal, that she would vote for good ol’ Uncle Joe even if he, quote: “boiled babies and ate them.” Maybe in next month’s issue, The Nation will print a good recipe. 

China parks death star over Hong Kong

First they infect the planet with their bat munchin’ pandemic, now the Chinese are set to use coronavirus to end Hong Kong as we know it. Remember the good old days and the  pro-democracy demonstrators in Hong Kong? The Chinese want everyone to forget they every happened and have crammed their new draconian “security law” down the throat of the Hong Kong electorate. This new law bypasses Hong Kong’s legislature by instituting a rarely used constitutional backdoor. (come on squeal) That is not actual audio from the Chinese oligarchy giving the good citizens of Hong Kong a good reaming, but it might as well be. Opposition lawmaker Dennis Kwok in Hong Kong. Look for the end of an open internet, Chinese secret police setting up shop in Hong Kong and anti-sedition laws to jail anyone who criticizes their Beijing overlords. Outside of a classical liberal democratic miracle, it looks like the party’s over in Hong Kong. No, I think I’m saying they are totalitarian kleptocratic bastards.

More murder charges in Arbery case

The Georgia man who filmed the shooting and death of Ahmaud Arbery has himself been arrested on murder charges. USA Today reports, William “Roddie” Bryan was charged with felony murder and criminal attempt to commit false imprisonment in Arbery’s shooting death. Bryan, had claimed he was only being a ‘good samaritan’ when he filmed Arbery’s death, but a newly released expanded version of the video apparently shows Bryan also chasing Arbery. Bryan then allegedly filmed while Arbery was shot dead.

San Francisco oldest gay bar has shuttered

Things are a little less fabulous in San Francisco today. The city’s oldest gay bar “The Stud” is calling it a day. The bar owner told KRON TV that due to declining revenues caused by coronavirus, they’ve decided to permanently close down their location in the Soma neighborhood.​ Too bad the place had to go down, I hear that before the pandemic, it was usually packed. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

Unemployment is up again. Pelosi requests Trump go half mast. The latest trend in women’s panties and a glorious Florida man fight at Home Depot. 

Coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Jobless claims rise again

Well, here we go again. Another week, another jobless claim report from Uncle Sugar. Filings for unemployment insurance totaled just under two and a half million last week, that brings the total jobless filings during the coronavirus pandemic to around thirty eight and a half million. Although this won’t make the two and a half million who were handed their walking papers feel any better, this week’s claims were slightly smaller than predicted by the economic brain trust. It’s starting to look like next time grandpa lectures you on how hard they had it during the Great Depression, you may soon have the dispensation to officially call him a pussy.

New York City gets traffic!

Here’s one small inkling that life might be getting back to some semblance of normalcy in New York City. This morning traffic into the Lincoln Tunnel was backed up for about an hour coming in from Jersey. Next week, the City will undoubtedly experience two hour delays in hospital emergency rooms. 

The Hamptons’ millionaire squatters

I don’t think it’s supposed to work this way. New York has a non-eviction order in place due to the coronavirus crisis, which is great news for folks who lost their jobs and can’t make the rent. Maybe not so great for landlords, but that’s another story. Anyway, in the Hamptons, wealthy tenants in multi-million dollar mansions are using the law to squat and not pay rent in their seaside homes.  The Daily Mail reports New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s moratorium on rent payments will last through mid August. By then the Long Island summer rental market will be just about over. 

Flags at half mast?

Today’s big political attention whore move has reached Spinal Tap like levels (goes to 11). Pelosi and Schumer are requesting Trump to fly flags at half mast when the death toll from the pandemic reaches one hundred thousand in the US. Talking Points Memo reports the pandemic  duo sent the letter to his royal orangutan on Thursday requesting the move. Come on, Trump hasn’t flown anything over half mast since Marla Maples. 

Texas active shooter

With everyone locked indoors, we haven’t seen many active shooter stories in the news. That changed today, with one at a naval base in Corpus Christi, Texas. The US Navy Tweeted, yea even the mighty Navy has a fracking Twatter account, that an active shooter near Naval Air Station Corpus Christi has been neutralized. Numerous sources report that one security worker was injured in the incident and word is that  sailor is in good condition and is expected to be released later today. 

Home Depot paint fight

What’s better than a food fight? How about a paint fight! Four men at a Tampa Home Depot got into an altercation, over, well who the hell knows, it’s Florida after all. From the video, it’s hard to make out just what the men were fighting over, as they don’t appear to be speaking the English, but man let me tell you, the paint was flying. Maybe they were arguing over whether their paints should be shaken or stirred. That video, of course, available on today’s overnight underground dot com.

Where is Doctor Fauchi?

Paging Doctor Fauchi, where the hell are you. If you’re still watching one of the endlessly depressing news channels, you may be asking yourself, how did I get here. No, the real question is, where did Doctor Fauchi disappear to? CNN reports that Fauci  has been MIA from national television interviews over the last couple of weeks. His last interview was on May fourth with Chris Cuomo. Speculation is that with the White House’s communications team changing its PR strategy for the pandemic, Fauchi has been put on the back burner. 

Maybe he’s been busy designing women’s panties. Business Insider reports that an L-A based company is now selling women’s underwear emboldened with the names of Fauchi, Governor Cuomo and Gavin Newsom. According to Canva, that’s the company cashing in on those three sexy fellas, the panties are selling like hotcakes. You know, I’ve always wondered, just where is it that hotcakes sell so well. Not anywhere around here. Anyway, the names of the three amigos are displayed on the front of the panties just above the. I’m thinking it should be plastered over the.

Victoria’s Secret going down

In other underwear related news, Victoria’s Secret looks like it’s going bust. KIRO Seven News reports the skimpy clothing chain is closing nearly two hundred and fifty stores nationwide. The Parent company L Brands also announced the shuttering of fifty Bath and Bodyworks stores. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

The never ending pandemic. The Black Panthers protest kung pow chicken. Death sentence by video chat and Joe Rogan is fracking rich.

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Military says the pandemic may last until next summer

Who’s up for the pandemic lasting until next summer! Yea, I didn’t think so. The Website Task and Purpose have allegedly uncovered a leaked Pentagon memo that warns of a, quote: ‘real possibility’ of COVID-19 resurgence and the very real possibility of a vaccine not being available until the summer of 2021.  Army researchers have targeted a twelve to eighteen month timeframe for vaccine availability, but some experts say even that might not be enough.

Pandemic worst case scenario 

And the hits just keep on coming. A report from the University Of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School is pretty scary. Their model predicts COVID-19 cases will reach just under five and a half million with a death toll close to three hundred thousand by the end of July. Just for the record, this ominous model is based on all states fully reopening without any social distancing measures. So just stay the hell away from each other would you. Currently there are more than one and a half million cases and over ninety two thousand deaths across the US.

Trump sees quick economic turnaround

The White House on the other hand, is presently predicting a swift economic recovery, though some experts think the West Wing might just be on the dope. Reported in the Houston Chronicle, the Trump administration is conveying confidence that  “reopening” states will counter the economic damage caused Covid-19. Despite the shocking  increases in unemployment and small business closings, White House economists are crossing their fingers and rubbing their elephants, wait can I say that?  that the economy will roar back to life in the second half of this year. 

Those damn racist Chinese restaurants. 

Well this seems kind of stupid. The New Black Panther Party staged a demonstration in DC on Tuesday protesting what they say is China’s racist treatment of Africans during the coronavirus pandemic. That seems OK. The stupid part, they decided a Chinese takeout restaurant called Yum’s was the perfect spot to stage their protest. Mother Jones writer Stephanie Mencimer caught the picket and posted their protestation on Twitter. Here’s an edited bit of their demonstration, at least the part we could hear and possibly decipher. According to Mencimer, the restaurant, Yum’s is a, quote: “beloved DC institution, and home of the city’s signature dish: chicken wings and MAMBO sauce.” You know, you just can’t make this shit up.

Death by videoconference

Just imagine, receiving a death sentence via video chat. In what may be only the second time in history, Singapore’s Supreme Court sentenced a man to death over a Zoom video chat. Nine News Australia reports that a 37-year-old Malaysian national was sentenced to death by hanging for allegedly introducing two drug dealers to each other back in 2011. Wait a second, I think that’s the real story here, he was sentenced to death for making an introduction. And here in the US, we thought getting fired over Zoom was pretty harsh. 

Rioting in France continues

Oh those wacky youth are back at it again in France, rioting and burning and such. Reuters reports Youths set cars alight in low-income housing estates in the Paris suburbs overnight. This latest round of mayhem is being attributed to the death of Sabri Choubi, an 18-year old who died last weekend in a motorcycle accident. Well that makes sense. 

Joe Rogan is rich

Holy contract on a cracker batman, Marketwatch is reporting that Joe Rogan’s deal with Spotify will net the podcaster a cool one hundred million bucks. Needless to say, it’s quite possibly the most expensive deal in the podcasting space. And here at the Overnight Underground, we’re happier than a pig in shit if someone just clicks the “buy me a coffee” link at overnightunderground dot com to send us five samolians. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

Trump is on drugs. Pelosi calls Trump a fattie. Invading Canadians taunt Biden. The government is gearing up for civil unrest. Trial by Zoom and the German’s are revolting.

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Trump is on drugs

Though not insightful or beneficial for any of the world’s current troubles, we do have some mildly entertaining political drama going on today. First, President Trump told reporters during yesterday’s press conference that he has been taking the controversial drug hydroxychloroquine as a prophylactic against Covid-19. The press corps was aghast as Trump himself announced to the nation his use of the drug he believes will help ward off the virus. Trump’s opponents quickly jumped on the news with warnings that the drug’s use could cause serious heart trouble and other complications. Honestly, I don’t know why this is a problem for certain rabid sects of the Democratic party, seems to me they’ve been calling for Trump’s death since he entered office. 

PresidentPlump

Nancy Pelosi jumped on the President’s use of hydroxychloroquine on Monday’s Anderson Cooper segment on CNN. The Speaker of the House used the air-time on the cable network to essentially call Trump a fat bastard. The press corps is currently salivating like Pavlov’s dog in anticipation of  the Presidential sh*t storm that is sure to follow. Still, fans of the President know he’s not obese, he’s just got big bone spurs. 

Trump targets WHO

The President also threatened to completely defund the World Health Organization in an overnight Tweet. Trump warned he was considering dumping the W-H-O funding within thirty days if it does not, quote: “commit to major substantive improvements.” The pudgy orange one continues to accuse the W-H-O of being too soft on China. 

Biden ducks

Let’s see, what else we got here in the circus that is American politics. On Monday, Joe Biden moved out of his basement for his latest virtual town hall digital disaster. He decided to let the sunshine and fresh air in from his vestibule while he chattered at the American public. The only problem was, invading Canadian’s were very vocal with Biden’s streaming appearance.  Man, ol’ touchy feely Uncle Joe just can’t catch a break. 

Government prepares for civil unrest

It seems the US government has been preparing for domestic war. The Intercept is reporting that Uncle Sam has been busy ratcheting up security and spending to counter possible civil unrest during the coronavirus pandemic. The purchases include contracts for riot gear such as disposable handcuffs, gas masks, ballistic helmets, and riot gloves, along with protective equipment for federal police. Sounds reasonable, nothing to see here. 

The Germans are revolting

Speaking of unrest, it seems the German’s are revolting. The Daily Mail is reporting that Teutonic fury is being unleashed in Germany over lockdowns in that country. Thousands of protesters rallied in Stuttgart, Munich and Berlin to protest against Merkel and what some conspiracy theorists see as a plot by Bill Gates to vaccinate the masses. You know, you just can’t make this shit up. German police arrested protesters outside the Reichstag in Berlin. Please, just don’t start any fires, we all know how that turned out last time. 

Trial by Zoom

This next story should work out well. In Texas, they’re getting ready for their first Zoom trial. Reuters reports a Texas court is getting set to let jurors hear a case remotely using Zoom. The Collin County District Court on Monday picked a jury to hear the insurance dispute case by videoconference. The one-day trial is a summary jury trial, where jurors hear a condensed version of a case and deliver a non-binding verdict. The jury selection was live streamed over YouTube. Gee, what could possibly go wrong? 

Chinese are facing new lockdowns

Bloomberg News is reporting that China may be getting ready to lockdown cities in the north east of the country again. One hundred million Chinese are facing lockdowns for a second time  as a new and expanding cluster of coronavirus infections are again plaguing the region. Cities in the Jilin province have stopped train and bus service, shut schools and quarantined tens of thousands of people. Needless to say, the Chinese living in these areas are not happy. 

Stupid is as stupid does

There has been quite a spike in the moronic behavior index over the last few days. In Volusia County, Florida, the Sheriff’s Office had to break up a block party that numbered in the thousands. WFTV News reports police noted there were multiple arrests and numerous deputies were injured in altercations attempting to break up the melee. 

I say, why not hide your identity with a watermelon? That was the cunning plan hatched by two thieves in Charlottesville, Virginia. The Smoking Gun notes the two lads decided wearing hollowed-out watermelon rinds on their heads was the perfect disguise for stealing alcohol from a Virginia convenience store. Guy’s you’ve got it bass akwards, you put the booze in the watermelon, not your noggin you numbskulls.

In England all this lockdown was too much for one man in Devon. The Sun reports that when  the cops entered the man’s flat to bust him on drug charges, the unlucky lad scrambled to the roof of his apartment, completely nude, clutching his baggie of cannabis. The police were able to convince the man to later give himself up after they sealed off all of his escape routes from the roof. You know, naked in a fetal position rocking back and forth on your roof surrounded by police and cradling a bag of weed may not be the best way to go through life, son. 

Check out this episode!

The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

Big gains on the Dow. White House wags its finger. Michigan’s squirt gun priest and your cat is a stone cold killer. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Big gains on the Dow

The Dow is kicking ass and taking names today, with US markets up over nine hundred points mid-day. CNBC reports the gains are due to the news that possible vaccines could be on the way for coronavirus. Massachusetts based Moderna has gone on record that early results from their Covid-19 trial vaccines are showing promise. All forty five participants in the trials developed antibodies against the virus.  Needless to say, Moderna’s stock price has also been a gainer today, up around forty percent. Can anyone say pump and dump? 

White House pointy little finger

The Trump White House is now pointing fingers at the CDC for failings in the battle against coronavirus. CNN reports that the finger wagging coming from the administration is squarely aimed as an rationalism  for the Covid-19 death toll.  White House Trade Advisor Peter Navarro on CNN. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar also proposed yesterday that underlying health conditions was one reason for the lofty American death toll.

Communion squirt gun

The power of the squirt gun compels you. A priest at Saint Andrews Parish in Grosse Pointe, Michigan not only got into the spirit of the drive by church service, Father Tim Pelc took it a step further. NBC’s Today and other outlets are reporting that the priest, during holy week a little over a month ago, used a squirt gun to bless parishioners with holy water. (squirt squirt) Pelc said, quote: “”You can’t double dip into the holy water container. I thought, what could I do that would keep the quarantine restrictions going and give kids the experience of Easter?” Undoubtedly not the first time a priest gave the kids the old 

Enquiring Minds soon won’t know

We’re not quite sure how you are going to survive this next story, but The Daily Beast is reporting, that bastion of journalism, The National Enquirer, is about to shit the bed. How will we ever find out about UFO’s, Aliens and Obama, Elvis, Michael Jackson and OJ’s shoes if the Enquirer goes out of business? 

Your cat is a murderer

Your cat is a cold blooded killer. A new Australian study, as reported by LAD Bible, housecats who strut their stuff outside of the home, are stone cold killers. The study, published in Wildlife Research, notes that a single domesticated pet cat is capable of snuffing the lives of up to 186 reptiles, birds and mammals in just one year. Dalmer would have been envious.  In the lifetime of a cat, that’s over eight thousand victims snuffed out by your adorable little serial killer. Honestly, cat’s should be categorized as biological weapons and controlled by the Geneva Convention. 

Hey what happen’ to Fred Willard

Comedic intellect Fred Willard died over the weekend. Maybe most known these days for his role in the sitcom Modern Family, Willard was also known for his many roles in the mocumentaries of Christopher Guest, including Best in Show, A Mighty Wind and Waiting for Guffman.  Willard was eighty six. 

Check out this episode!

The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

Retail sales are in the crapper. The Michigan legislature shuts down. Wisconsin opens up, Denver gets its own KKK shopper. A new nominee for the worst movie ever and a new irritating Chinese ice cream flavor debuts in Hong Kong. 

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Retail sales plunge

Yesterday we saw the latest jobs report and it wasn’t pretty. The retail sales numbers released today don’t look much better.  CNBC reports retail sales dropped nearly sixteen and a half percent in April, which is far worse than was predicted. Clothing sales were hit with the biggest downturns. Hey, it’s not like you need new clothes, you’re not going anywhere and no one sees you anyhow. Retail sales declines were also seen in restaurants and service stations along with retailers that have been deemed non-essential. Grocery stores were one of the few retail establishments that saw an uptick in sales. Hey, people gotta eat and of course let’s not forget about all that toilet paper you bought either. 

Homelessness could spike

Ready for some more good news?  CNN Business now reports that the picture for low income workers is especially bleak. Nearly forty percent of those with a household income below forty thousand dollars a year reported a job loss in March. Another study conducted by a Columbia University professor, notes that homelessness in the US could reach as high as forty five percent within a year. The professor who conducted the analysis, Dan O’Flaherty, says the downturn is exacerbating homelessness which is already a public health crisis in many American cities. O’Flaherty notes, quote: “This is unprecedented. No one living has seen an increase of ten percent of unemployment in a month.”  Except maybe for those who got fired, and are currently seeing one hundred percent unemployment. 

Michigan shuts down legislature

Fed up with the protesters, Michigan lawmakers have decided to suspend their legislative session rather than face the possibility of continued armed protests. Bloomberg reports that  protests have been squarely aimed at Democratic Governor Gretchen Whitmer, who allegedly has received death threats since the protest began. Protesters are angered over the Governors controversial lock-down in the state. Lansing lawmakers had been fearing a repeat of the April 30th dissent, when armed protesters entered the Senate Chamber. The protests on Thursday saw much smaller crowds due to rain in the Capitol. Giving birth to the phrase, “Give me liberty or give me death. Unless it’s raining.” 

Bars open up in Wisconsin

Across the lake in Wisconsin, things were opening up after that state’s supreme court tossed their Governors stay at home orders. Quite a few Wisconsiners dashed from their homes and headed to the bars for a quick Schlitz. One patron at a bar in Milwaukee told Reuters news: Wait, does this mean he likes to schwing? 

Denver gets a KKK shopper

Another day another guy shopping in a KKK hood. Fox thirty one Denver reports that this time the pointy headed masked shopper was spotted and of course photographed at the City Market in the Denver suburb of Dillon. The police have stated that they are asking for the public’s help identifying a man. The director of communications for the Town of Dillon, told the press, quote: “Right now, they’re trying to identify him, contact him and take it from there. Obviously, we take this kind of action very seriously.” 

Biden mumbles again

It’s time once again for our sound byte of the day. Today’s winner comes from presumptive democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, during his latest virtual roundtable. Just for the record, and leaving all the mumbling and other gaffes aside, there have been thirty six and a half million unemployed in the last two months. I’ve said it before I’ll say it again, our choice as leader of the free world is to pick either this doddering old fool or a reality show barker with delusions of adequacy? If that doesn’t convince you that the game is rigged, nothing ever will. 

Tear gas ice cream

Oh those wacky Chinese. The AP is reporting an ice cream shop in Hong Kong has a new flavor that’s turned out to be a hit with patrons, it’s tear gas flavor. The main ingredient in the new confection is black peppercorns, to give Hong Konger’s that ol’ time memory of the peppery tear gas rounds fired by police during demonstrations last year. One customer explained the flavor as, quote: “It tastes like tear gas. It feels difficult to breathe at first, and it’s really pungent and irritating.” I don’t know about you, but that’s not what I look for in an ice cream flavor. What’s next, Covid-19 flavor? It tastes like a musky face mask, makes it hard to catch your breath and it’s only available for takeout. 

Worst movie evar

Cats is now officially the worst movie ever made. That’s according to the man who wrote what previously was considered the worst movie ever made, Battlefield Earth  Writer J.D. Shapiro tells The New York Post, quote: “I watched about 10 or 15 minutes of ‘Cats,’ and unfortunately, it might beat out ‘Battlefield Earth. To regular people, ‘Cats’ was f - - king disturbing.” Great, now we just gotta’ wait for Hollywood to make Battlefield Cats. You know, I wouldn’t put it past those idiots.

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, first the headlines:

Unemployment rises. Michigan readies for more protests. Burr under investigation. Is mouthwash the next Covid placebo and Gretta Thunberg joins a panel of covid experts on CNN. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Unemployment spikes again

Another week, more brutal unemployment numbers. Last week saw another three million file for unemployment, bringing the total to a whopping thirty six and a half million in the last two months. Yesterday, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell painted a rather foreboding picture of the economy, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell sounding like he’s ready to take a leisurely stroll down to the east river and jump off the Brooklyn bridge. But Powell wasn’t all death and destruction, he still believes the economic turnaround will come and that the Fed will do all it can to help. I guess we need more bailouts for those in need, like lobbyists and our corporate overlords.

The Doctor of Doom

Doctor Richard Bright, the man who has become affectionately known as the Doctor of Doom, is warning the US and the world that we are in for “deep sh*t.” Doctor Richard Bright responding to the country being unprepared during the coronavirus pandemic.  Well isn’t he just all sweetness and light. Doctor Bright later went on to say, “I believe we could have done better. believe there were critical steps that we did not take in time.” President Trump has called Doctor Bright, a vaccine expert who led a biodefense agency in the Department of Health and Human Services, essentially a disgruntled employee. 

Armed Michigan protesters return to Lansing

Those armed Michigan protesters will be at it again in the states capitol today. Reuters is reporting that there will be a large police presence in Lansing as protesters challenge Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s stay-at-home order. With one of the strictest stay at home orders in the nation, the Governor has extended what the protesters see as a draconian law, until at least May twenty eighth. Gretchen Whitmer on CNN. I do believe the Michigan Governor just invoked Goodwin’s law. 

Wisconsin Supreme court shuts down stay at home order 

Meanwhile just across the lake in Wisconsin, the Wisconsin Supreme Court struck down their Governors stay-at-home order. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports that this would be the first time a statewide order like this has been tossed by a court of last resort.  The overturning of the lock-down was passed by a four to three decision and was written by four of the court’s conservatives. Justice Rebecca Bradley compared the social distancing rule to Japanese being interned in concentration camps in world war two. I think we need a new kind of Goodwin’s law, except it’s pit in play when anyone brings up Japanese internment camps. Personally, I think the entire state should be placed under house arrest immediately and indefinitely and hey, why the hell not,  let’s do it all without due process. 

Burr has phone snatched by Feds

Senator Richard Burr, the North Carolina Republican who chairs the Senate Intelligence Committee, is under investigation for insider trading. The New York Post reports Burr was forced to hand over his smart phone to the feds. He’s under suspicion of insider trading that allegedly took place ahead of the  market crash at the start of the coronavirus crisis. Burr had sold off roughly one point seven  million dollars in publicly traded stocks. He was among a handful of lawmakers who received confidential briefings on the virus from health officials. 

Mouthwash and covid

The next wacky thing you can do to help stop the spread of coronavirus? Let’s spin the wheel o quackery. If you picked mouthwash, step right up and spit in the cup. According to an article on Yahoo and a few other sources, oral rinses may damage the virus’s protective membrane and at least some scientists are calling for an immediate study of the effects on covid from mouthwash. The World Health Organization has gone on record saying that there is not evidence that mouthwash inhibits coronavirus. Next up, look for idiots to make Listerine the next massive shortage right behind toilet paper in the grocery store. Bleach, cigarettes, lights inside your nose and now mouthwash. What will they think of next? This article was brought to you courtesy of  ‘The Mouthwash Manufacturers of ‘Mercia’.

Greta now a coronavirus expert

Twitter users went absolutely apoplectic on Wednesday over the appointment of Gretta Thunberg to CNN’s expert coronavirus panel. Well it should be. Ya gotta’ wonder, at seventeen how could the climate and environmental activist from Sweden be an expert at anything, other than maybe navel gazing. How the hell did she become an expert on virology? Has she even finished high school? Dear Gretta has as much insight and  depth into coronavirus as a puddle. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast, first the headlines:

Howard Stern says Trump should quit. Hey I know, let’s shove lightbulbs up our noses. The DOD needs more needles. The hooded shopper is not guilty and cheap movies may make a comeback.

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

White House adviser and Trump crotch fruit main squeeze Jared Kushner hinted the other day that there may not be an election in November. The Washington Post and other sources report that Kushner suggested, there was uncertainty about whether the presidential election would happen in November because of this whole global pandemic thing. The presidential aide later clarified his comments a bit in a Time Magazine interview. Just to clarify 

Stern calls for Trump to quit

The one time king of all media has called on President Trump to step down. That’s Howard Stern on his satellite radio show. The previously relevant radio star went on to say that it would be “extremely patriotic” for Mister Trump to step down. Wait, wasn’t Howard Stern one of the celebrities who went out of his way to popularize and normalize Trump? Now he’s trying to “cleanse” himself from the smoldering runaway train-wreck that has become the Trump Presidency? Besides, who ever looked to Stern as a voice of reason? Lesbian dial a date and butt bongo fiesta maybe, but logic and reason? 

Shove lights up your nose

I know, let’s treat coronavirus but shoving lightbulbs up you nose. Wait, isn’t this the same idea Trump got called on the carpet for by the press?  NBC Chicago reports the Canadian-company behind the technology, says their steriwave technology could stop the spread of the coronavirus by eliminating the viral load in your nose. According to them, the coronavirus tends to colonize in the nose, so the process involves swabbing the nose with a chemical compound. A technician then inserts fiber optic probes into the nose and turns on a red light. Wait, you don’t have to turn on the red light. Here’s Dr. Merrill Biel from the University of Minnesota. 

DOD needs more injectors

There’s no vaccine for Covid-19, but that won’t stop the government from spending millions on injection devices. A press release on the Department of Defense website announced a one hundred and thirty eight million dollar contract to fund production of five hundred million pre filled COVID-19 vaccine “injection devices.” The contract went to ApiJect Systems America for two projects known as “Project Jumpstart” and “RAPID USA”.  The apparent goal of these two  projects is to have vast amounts of “injection devices” ready to go, if and when a COVID-19 vaccine becomes available. (

The blue plate big brother special

Well this is kinda’ creepy. The Seattle Times is reporting that when restaurants open in Washington state, they will have to keep a log of customers for coronavirus contact tracing. Nothing like going out to dinner and being asked for your papers. The governor’s office released a set of requirements that restaurants will have to comply with if they want a blessing from big brother to reopen for dine-in service. The restaurants will have to, quote:  “Create a daily log of customers and maintain that daily log for 30 days, including telephone/email contact information, and time in.” 

Wearing a hood to shop is not a crime

Last week a man in a KKK hood sent shockwaves of offense through the Southern California community of Santee calling for the full extent of the law to be leveled at the hooded shopper. The San Diego County Sheriff’s Department earlier this week issued a press release saying they had no legal grounds to charge the man.The man was interrogated and later detectives conferred with both the U.S. Attorney’s Office and the San Diego County District Attorney’s Office and came to the obvious conclusion that no law was broken.  The press release basically points out what was already blatantly obvious to legal half-wits everywhere, that the U.S. Supreme Court and the Constitution spell out the fact that freedom of speech means hateful speech is still protected speech. Gee I wonder how much money they spent investigating what they already knew wasn’t a crime to begin with in the first place.

Cheap movies may return

This makes sense. The Wall Street Journal is reporting that movie theaters are considering offering two dollar moves when they reopen. Due to the pandemic, there’s not a lot of new movies coming out that can get folks back in the theaters, so some cinemas plan to reopen with classic films at classic prices. The films will include “Jaws” and “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”, how the hell is that classic, anyway the move is to tempt cautious audiences back into cinemas. I’ll pay two bucks to see a classic Hitchcock movie in a theatre any day of the week. Anything is better than Batman twelve, revenge of the stinky cave.

Valerie Bertanelli almost ready for Social Security

Wholy shit, you want to really feel old? Valerie Bertanelli turned sixty this month. If you don’t know who Valerie Bertanelli is, 

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