Coronavirus Report Your Temperature Citizen. Trump Proves He is a Class Act. Keith Richards Quits… Smoking. Valentine’s Suggestions Including Pickle Bouquets and Love Sausage. Twitter Users Need New Name and Iranian Space Force Uniforms.

Report your temperature citizen. All 11 million inhabitants of China’s Wuhan, the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak, are being told by authorities to report their daily temperature. Kind of gives new meaning to an alien anal probe. Business Insider reports that readings can be submitted over the phone and via social media apps. If the person has a high temperature, an inspection team will be sent to their home to investigate further. I wonder if they bring along body bags? 

Wuhan is ordering all 11 million residents to report their body temperature every day to combat the coronavirus

Since a fever is a primary symptom of the novel coronavirus tearing its way through Wuhan, China, the city has ordered its 11 million residents to report their body temperatures to health officials daily. The aim, according to a notice issued Thursday, is to “completely cut off transmission at the source.”

Meanwhile, an Australian news site reports that the coronavirus infected are being rounded up and sent to internment camps that resemble war time conditions. That sounds nice. News dot com dot au notes that authorities in Wuhan have been ordered to assemble all those infected. Total cases in China stands at over thirty thousand and the death toll, and this is just the ones they are actually telling us about, is at six hundred and thirty four. You really believe that, come on, not even Joey Tribbiani is that gullible. (byte)

‘It must be cut off from the source’

Authorities in Wuhan have been ordered to immediately round up all coronavirus infected for mass quarantine camps, with a senior Chinese official describing the deadly outbreak as “wartime conditions”. Sun Chunlan, a vice premier in charge of the government response to the outbreak, gave the order to round up the infected and place them in isolation, quarantine or designated hospitals, The New York Times reports.

One day after his impeachment acquittal, President Donald Trump didn’t pull any punches regarding his time in the Congressional limelight. Trump said the entire impeachment drama was, well let’s hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. (byte) Trump also had a few choice words for Robert Muller and the FBI intelegencia, calling them (byte). Trump, what a class act. 

Watch live: Trump delivers remarks on his impeachment after acquittal vote

Washington – President Trump is airing his grievances over impeachment, one day after the Senate acquitted him on charges of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. “I think he’s also going to talk about just how horribly he was treated and, you know, that maybe people should pay for that,” White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham said Thursday morning.

Holy shit, it must be a sign on the end times, but the Rolling Stones Keith Richard says he’s given up smoking. RIchards made the shocking confession to New York radio personality Jim Kerr. Damn, I guess we won’t get to see the iron lung tour after all. 

Keith Richards Finally Quit Smoking Ahead Of New Rolling Stones U.S. Tour | iHeartRadio

The Rolling Stones are returning to the U.S. this spring in what Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are characterizing as a continuation of last year’s ‘No Filter’ tour. After breaking the tour news Thursday morning in an interview with Q104.3 New York’s Jim Kerr , Richards explained that he’s taken another step in his ongoing resolution to get healthier and to keep rocking.

What better way to show your sweetheart how much you care on Valentines Day, then giving her, her very own… love sausage. I know, it’s supposed to be a family show, but yea, the love sausage is a real thing. The Daily Mail reports that retailer M&S is bringing back its famed heart-shaped Valentine’s Day love sausage. Do I have to be the first one to point out that if your love sausage is heart shaped, you should probably get to a doctor… stat. (find byte)

M&S is bring back its famed ‘Love Sausage’ for Valentines Day

Product will be in shops across the UK from Friday and cost £6 for 458g portion M&S have also launched the ‘Give a Little Love’ Sausage, a 240g twin pack for £5 Amused shoppers have made some very rude jokes about the cheekily named product on social media this morning M&S have delighted shoppers by bringing back its famed ‘love sausage’ for Valentine’s Day.

Maybe your sig-other is more of a sourpus, no worries, Boston-based pickle company Grillo’s PIckles is offering a pickle bouquet. Consisting of an empty 32-ounce pickle container, 15 wooden skewers, floral foam, ribbon, cellophane, a folded card for your loved one – and a coupon for a free jar of Grillo’s pickles. It’s only 25 bucks and you can order it online at the company’s web site. Let’s see… Roses are Red Violets are Blue, I got you a gherkin, I twerked one for you. 

Pickle bouquet: Company selling a delicious DIY alternative for Valentine’s Day

Forget roses or chocolate. Nothing shows a loved one how much you really care like a bouquet of pickles. Grillo’s Pickles, a Boston-based pickle company offering the unique bouquet, knows that any pickle lover would love nothing more than to get a Valentine’s Day gift filled with their favorite snack.

Twitter wants to call its users something other than… users. According to Engadget, the company is seeking to stop calling the people who use its platform “users.” Of course the obvious answer is to call them twits, or twats. Twidiots is good. Twunts works for me. Suckers and stooges seems to fit. Oh heck, let’s just call a spade a spade, we all know they’re just self absorbed attention whores. 

Twitter doesn’t want to call its users ‘users’ anymore

It’s part of an initiative to make Twitter a happier, cuddlier place to be, with the usual boast that it’s shrunk the number of ” unhealthy” tweets on the service. That includes a 27 percent decline in “bystander reports,” on Tweets that violate the company’s code of conduct.

Iran’s space program is a real horror show, no really, it might as well be halloween for Iranian astronauts. According to the War Zone, Iran’s Minister of Information and Communications Technology Tweeted, or is it twatted, a picture of their countries new spacesuit for Iranian astronauts. It didn’t take long for sleuths to figure out it was actually a cheap Halloween costume available for a mere 20 bucks online. Who knew the Ayatollah had his very own Amazon account.

Iranian Minister Tried To Pass Off A $20 Halloween Costume As A Real Spacesuit

The propensity of the Iranian regime to make often laughably hyperbolic claims about their technological achievements is nothing new, but some of the most absurd claims seem to routinely revolve around the country’s ostensible ambitions to become a power in space.

Check out this episode!

Trump Gets Off, Coronavirus Update, Royal Navy gets Hash, Kirk Douglas Sheds Mortal Coil.

It’s official, Trump… Not Guilty. Of being an idiot? (byte) Of being a womanizer. (byte) A narcissist (byte) Of occasionally lying his pants off (byte) Being bankrupt (byte) According to a divided and corrupt congress, he’s not guilty of two articles of impeachment, abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. Thank god that’s over with, can congress now get back to what it does best, nothing. 

‘Not Guilty’: Trump Acquitted On 2 Articles Of Impeachment As Historic Trial Closes

subscribe to The NPR Politics Podcast podcast Senators voted on Wednesday afternoon to acquit President Trump on two articles of impeachment – abuse of power and obstruction of Congress – after a historically unusual but typically contentious trial. Forty-eight senators supported a verdict of guilty on Article I; 52 voted not guilty.

It’s Coronavirus deja vu over and over again. The Daily Star is reporting that the virus has spread to the point that the deadly disease could be with us indefinitely. It could be like whack a mole for years, popping up its ugly head and being whacked by confused doctors for years to come. In fact, computer geeks running A-I predictions say Coronavirus could infect 2.5 billion and kill 53 Million. 4 out of 5 doctors agree, that’s probably not true. The operative word here is “probably.”

Coronavirus may have spread so far it could be with us forever, scientists say

The coronavirus outbreak is still spreading and there are close to 25,000 confirmed cases worldwide, with at least 500 people expected to have died. The outbreak originated in Wuhan, China, last month. But already, medical experts are starting to look at what happens next. There are two likely outcomes from the current state of the outbreak.

AI Predicts Coronavirus Could Infect 2.5B And Kill 53M. Doctors Say That’s Not Credible, And Here’s Why

An AI-powered simulation run by a technology executive says that Coronavirus could infect as many as 2.5 billion people within 45 days and kill as many as 52.9 million of them. Fortunately, however, conditions of infection and detection are changing, which in turn changes incredibly important factors that the AI isn’t aware of.

In other coronavirus news, Two more airplanes of evacuated Americans from Wuhan, China landed at Travis Air Force Base for two weeks of quarantine. Add one of those quarantined coronavirus cruise liners off the coast of Japan is running out of supplies, with passengers calling it “a floating prison.” The British cruise ship Diamond Princess  continues on lockdown with passengers facing another thirteen days on the floating shit barge. Better find the English Breakfast along with the beans and toast before the Brits resort to cannibalism. 

Briton on quarantined cruise liner calls it a ‘floating prison’

David Abel and 2,655 other passengers have been ordered to stay in their cabins aboard Diamond Princess Ten people were taken off the Diamond Princess by Japan’s coast guard after testing positive for coronavirus They are two Australians, one American, three from Hong Kong, one from Japan and a Filipino

One piece of good news regarding Coronavirus, The Bill and Melinda Gates foundation has announced that it is donating $100 million to improve detection, isolation and coronavirus treatment efforts. If only he would just apologize for infecting computers world-wide with WIndows ME. 

Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation Dedicates Additional Funding to the Novel Coronavirus Response

The foundation will provide up to $100 million to improve detection, isolation and treatment efforts; protect at-risk populations in Africa and South Asia; and accelerate the development of vaccines, drugs and diagnostics. SEATTLE, February 5, 2020 – The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation today announced that it will immediately commit up to $100 million for the global response to the 2019 novel coronavirus (2019-nCoV).

The Royal Navy could now start including hash with their rum rations. According to the Daily Mail, the  HMS Defender seized 119 bags of hash, totaling twenty five hundred kilograms while on patrol in the Indian Ocean. Defender is getting pretty damn good at busting drugs on the high-seas (byte) two months ago it intercepted three point three million pounds worth of meth. The Defenders crew discovered the 118 bags of hash hidden on a dhow. The ships commander said the 117 bags of hash was quite a haul, and further stated that with the big bust, the 116 bags of hashish will never reach the drug dealers it was intended for. There is no word on where the 115 bags of hash will be destroyed and no truth to the rumors that the Defender will be renamed as the HMS Munchies. 

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7965165/Royal-Navy-seizes-1m-hashish-stash-Indian-Ocean-drugs-bust.html

Hey One Hundred and Three is one hell of a run. Hollywood icon Kirk Douglas and the only person who could truly say, “I am Spartacus” is dead. 95 acting credits, 75 movies and 65 years married to the same woman, God Speed Sparticus. That is until the vultures dig up some dirt from 50 years ago and judge you by some imaginary standards the cancel culture will have inflicted on us all. After all, rumor has it he was sitting on evidence that would impeach President Trump over Pussy Grabbing and Kobe Bryant was on his way to pick it up from him.

Kirk Douglas, Hollywood Icon and Spartacus Star, Dies at 103

Kirk Douglas, one of the first box office stars of the silver screen, has died. He was 103. The acting legend, who had been in good health since suffering a stroke in 1996, is survived by his wife of 65 years Anne Buydens, and his three sons: Michael, Joel, and Eric.

Check out this episode!

The State of the Dis-Union and Rush, Pelosi Rips Trump a New One, The Road to the SuperBowl is the Road to Hell, Hot Dogs and Bacon Death Again, I Nazi that Coming from a Mile Away, Plague Ships are Back!

President Donald Trump delivered the state of the union, said everything is hunky dorky, had Melina give Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom amid applause and boos,  all the while holding back the puke in the back of her throat, Pelosi tore up the transcript of Trump’s speech. Rush was visibly choked up, and I don’t think it was due to his recently diagnosed lung cancer. Rush joins the other Presidential Medal of Freedom winners which includes Rosa Parks, Mother Therisa, William F Buckley and Andy Grifith.

Melania Trump Awards Rush Limbaugh Presidential Medal Of Freedom At Trump State Of The Union Address

Watch: First Lady Melania Trump gave conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom on President Donald Trump’s behalf during his annual State of the Union address.

 Today, the Senate is expected to vote on the Trump impeachment, and let the little bugger get away scott free. Meanwhile, Maine Republican Susan Collins stiltedly mumbled that the crime doesn’t fit and she would acquit, (byte)  Collins also stated that she would feel better about life, the universe and everything if President Trump would apologize for his alleged wrongdoings. The President said (Byte). Ever get the impression that all this political theatre, on both sides of the isle is all just an intricate and infuriating kubiki mind fuck? Yea, me too. The real question is just what are the outrage folks going to find to be pissed at on Twitter now? 

State of the Union address: Trump hits grand slam, while Pelosi just looks looks sad

Wow, that was one hell of a State of the Union Address. President Trump seized the center with a powerful, patriotic and utterly centrist speech. And then House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reinforced his message with her oh-so-symbolic ripping up of the text.

The Superbowl halftime show may be damning us all to hell. I know right, I’ve seen it and it’s just slightly more entertaining than sticking needles in your eyes.  But the total damnation in question is the promulgation of activist Dave Daubenmire who spent a large part of his “Pass The Salt Live” webcast lambaisting the National Football League for broadcasting unsolicited “crotch shots” into his home during the Super Bowl halftime show, thereby, he pontificates, is jeopardizing his eternal salvation. Geeze, some folks would consider crotch shots part of a healthy diet of earthly salvation. (byte) Dave does seem to be serious, he was trolling for a lawyer to take on his case against Pepsi, the NFL, and his local cable company (otherwise known as the unholy broadcast trinity) on his behalf.

No more hot dogs and bacon for you citizens. According to new research, two hot dogs or four pieces of bacon increase your risk of heart attack and death. Wait a second, I can see the risk of heart attack being raised, but risk of death? I’m pretty sure the death rate is still one per person, so yea, risk of death is 100 percent no matter how you slice your delicious smoked processed meats . Anyway, MarketWatch reports that the findings that were published in the JAMA Internal Medicine journal this week, suggests that if you eat  two servings of red meat and/or processed meat each week, you are screwed. Either that or wait for a new study to come out next week that contradicts this one. 

Two hot dogs or four pieces of bacon a week raise your risk of heart disease, death

By Sorry, steak lovers, but you can stick a fork in that study that said you can continue eating red meat. A new analysis of almost 30,000 people published in the JAMA Internal Medicine journal this week suggests that eating two servings of red meat and processed meat each week is in fact “significantly associated” with death and heart disease.

Today’s person who just doesn’t get it, comes from Esquire Magazine writer Nick Schager. Schager, lambaists the Academy Awards for nominating JoJo Rabbit for Best Picture in the upcoming awards. Schager calls it the, Softening of Nazism and quote this “Oscar nominee is a lie, and a detestable one at that, especially in this day and age of rising white nationalism at home and abroad.” Dude chill, it’s called satire, and the best way to deal with detestable ideologies. I would suggest a quick viewing of Chaplin’s “The Great DIctator” and Mel Brooks, “The Producers.” And let’s face it, Nazi’s are funny, ever take a good look at their uniforms? Esquire Magazine used to be written and read by real men, when did it become the woke girly-man magazine?

‘Jojo Rabbit’ Softens Nazism. It’s the Last Thing We Need in a Best Picture Winner.

This article is part of Esquire’s Oscars series in which we consider if each Best Picture nominee at 2020 Academy Awards should or should not take home the night’s highest honor. Read the rest of the Oscars series here.

Hey, plague ships are a thing now. Not one but two cruise ships are being quarantined due to fears over passengers with coronavirus. CNN is reporting that somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty three hundred passengers are being held on two different cruise ships. Passengers aboard the Princess cruise ship in Yokohama, Japan are being screened for the deadly coronavirus and tests are pending on hundreds of cruise ship vacationers who had symptoms or contact with a man diagnosed with the virus after leaving the ship in Hong Kong. I say, it’s nothing a good torpedo won’t fix. 

3,700 people are quarantined on a Princess cruise ship in Japan over coronavirus

About 3,700 passengers and workers on a Princess cruise ship in Yokohama, Japan are under quarantine for up to two weeks because of the deadly coronavirus. Tests were pending on 273 people aboard the ship who had symptoms or had contact with a man who was diagnosed with the virus after leaving the ship in Hong Kong.

Check out this episode!

Is the the Iowa caucus or cockup? Bloomberg calls for 5 Trillion Dollars in new taxes. Coronavirus spread by farts? Facebook now old enough to drive. Shut up and take my money.

The much awaited Iowa caucuses are over, kinda’ and the winner is… no one knows. Are the problems just simple reporting issues, or a total meltdown of the entire system? No one is completely sure. But we do know that there are no actual results in sight. The candidates are pretty much all claiming victory and have already packed their bags for Vermont. Did someone say fiasco? I’m sure someone did somewhere. You gotta’ love it, Rolling Stone is calling it Dempacolypse. But I prefer the Iowa Cockup. If you predicted before the Iowa Caucus, that well, someone was going to win, boy I’ll bet you feel like a real idiot now. There’s some tin foil hat level shit goin’ on here folks.

Dempocalypse Now

One candidate claimed victory before a single vote was officially reported. Another released his own internal and incomplete election results. A surrogate for a third candidate on the integrity of the vote. The state party tried to assure the public that the problems were “not a hack or an intrusion.”

In other news about these attention whores we call politicians, “moderate” Democrat candidate Mike Bloomberg is proposing 5 trillion dollars in new taxes on business and the wealthy. Seems like a sure path to the White House to me. Election years are so much fun!

TaxProf Blog: NY Times: Bloomberg Proposes $5 Trillion In Taxes On The Rich And Corporations

New York Times, Bloomberg Proposes $5 Trillion in Taxes on the Rich and Corporations: Mike Bloomberg, the billionaire presidential hopeful, is including more new taxes in his plan than his moderate rival Joe Biden but less than Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren. Former Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg of New York…

What do the coronavirus and flatulence have in common? They are both under the eye of big brother in China. According to The Global Times, temperature sensors set up in airports and train stations are also monitoring farts. Are Chinese authorities worried about coronavirus being spread by farting or just interested in making funny infrared fart tapes? Are social credits lost when caught farting by big brother? Film at 11.

Global Times on Twitter

Can’t help farting? Well, better try harder, because infrared temperature sensors recently installed in airports and train stations to monitor temperatures of passengers amid #coronavirus outbreak can screen them all https://t.co/70ncE1HqYr

Facebook is officially 16-years-old today. Of course back then, it was called ‘the facebook’ and only available to college students. Now with only two years left until facebook can head out on its own and attend college away from the Zuck, maybe we should demand Mark take away the keys and tell Facebook to go to it’s room. Or just let it go wild with its friends and influence another election. Oh god, in two more years it can vote. Let that sink in.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/tech/remember-facebook-looked-like-this-21423057

Pizza hut is creating a Kentucky Fried Popcorn Chicken pizza. The Pie comes complete with mozzarella cheese, KFC gravy and sweet corn. But before you head down to The Hut and tell the nice cashier to shut up and take your money, according to Delish, the pie is only available in England. WTF? Pizza and KFC bump uglies and I can only get it in the UK? For Trump’s sake, I’ll bet they even call it the ‘Merica meal.

Pizza Hut Is Putting KFC Popcorn Chicken, Gravy, And Corn On A Pizza Pie And I’m Into It

It seems like 2020 is already the year of interesting, and sometimes questionable, pizza toppings, what with kiwi pizza taking over the internet. The latest in new takes on pizza toppings is something I can definitely get behind and is a mash-up of all the best foods from KFC and Pizza Hut.

Check out this episode!

Coronavirus Alert Level 4 Citizen, Greta Nobel Prize and Name Trademark, Punxsutawney Phil PETA Clash Update, Minnie Mouse Vegas Beatdown, Daylight Savings Time Equals Death. 

One quick update today in the continuing coronavirus newswatch. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announced that the State Department is increasing the China Travel advisory to Level 4. (sfx) What does this mean? Should everyone panic? Of course they should. But, level 4 essentially means DO NOT TRAVEL. Do not travel to China, do not collect 400 Yen, go directly to the nearest western country and stay the hell away from China. There is no truth to the rumors that President Trump was considering leading a trade delegation to the People’s Republic of China over the weekend on a “friendship mission” and having a nice bowl of snake head and bat soup with the Chinese Premier. But a number of Democrats on Capitol are one hundred percent behind the trip. 

Secretary Pompeo on Twitter

@StateDept is increasing the #China Travel Advisory to Level 4 – Do Not Travel. This is due to the spread of the novel #coronavirus throughout China & the @WHO determination that the outbreak constitutes a Public Health Emergency of International Concern. https://t.co/BIIUdavoP0

All around perpetually angry child and eco-cult leader Greta Thunberg has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. You know, I’ve seen her speak, with that scowly mouth and her eye bulging out lookin’ like she’s gotta’ kill something, she sure doesn’t look peaceful. Anyway, The Local is reporting that not one, but two sweedish MP’s have nominated grumpy Gretta for the award. It’s not the first time for the petulant pre-pubescent, last year she was nominated and was beaten by Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed. (byte) Actually, I’d pay to watch that match. Oh, and in other Greta news, the uber-woke wonderkid has filed an application to trademark her name, according to the guardian. (byte)

Greta Thunberg files application to trademark her name

The climate activist Greta Thunberg has said she has applied to register her name and that of the Fridays For Future movement she founded in 2018, which has gone global and catapulted her to international fame.

An update from a previous story on the overnight underground news, regarding PETA, you know the organization for the ethical treatment of blah blah blah, not the delicious flat bread that pairs really well with thinly sliced and seasoned lamb and delectable meat based kebabs. You may remember, Peta wanted the town of PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa to replace Punxsutawney Phil with an animatronic gizmo, like they have at Disney, because coming out to look for his shadow once a year is cruel and unusual or something. Well anyway, the town told PETA to take a hike. (byte) Whole lot of do-do going on there. Here at the Overnight Underground, we say, eat all the animals you like, just skip the bat soup, OK. 

Punxsutawney Groundhog Club responds to PETA’s request to ‘retire Phil’

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (WJAC) — The president of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is calling for Punxsutawney Phil to retire and be replaced with an animatronic version of the groundhog. The Inner Circle says it found out about PETA’s letter from the media and adds that the idea of replacing Punxsutawney Phil with a groundhog with artificial intelligence is outrageous.

In other animal news, a woman dressed as Minnie Mouse gave a vicious beat down to a security guard on the Vegas strip. The video of the incident, which has gone as viral as the coronavirus, also shows her partner, dressed as Mickey, trying to intervene. Not to be outdone, a bystander, dressed as goofy, watches the unfolding drama from afar. You can check out the whole sordid affair on the New York Post, a link to the video is available on today’s Overnight Underground post at johnford dot net. 

Costumed Minnie Mouse pummels Vegas security guard in wild beatdown

You won’t see this on Disney+. A woman dressed as Minnie Mouse got into a wild brawl on the Las Vegas strip caught on a now-viral video. Minnie quickly lost her head – at least from her Disney costume – as she repeatedly threw haymakers at a red-headed woman wearing a jacket with “SECURITY” on the back.

You are not alone in your hatred of daylight savings time. According to anew study, published in Current Biology, that the dreaded moving ahead of clocks leads to more  fatal car crashes in the US the week following the change. Oh well, I guess we have to cull the herd one way or another. 

Check out this episode!

Coronavirus is Good 4 US Employment, Putin Supreme Ruler, Popeyes Chic, New York  Needs Bags, Nicks Suck.

US Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Roos stuck his foot so far down his throat that he hit left-wing political outrage gold. Ross said of the coronavirus crisis in China, “I think it will help to accelerate the return of jobs to North America.” Let’s hear it straight from the horse’s ass (byte). Ross made the comment on Fox Business News, during a statement in which he said that he believed that it was nearly impossible for the US to head into a recession this year. Let’s face it, American employment is the truly important factor here, the hell with all those dead people in China. Glad at least we’ve got our priorities straight.

Don’t look now, but the russian government is starting to take their cues from North Korea. According to US News and World Report, a Ruskie government commission has proposed changing Putin’s job title to “Supreme Ruler.” The Kremlin has reportedly issued a “no comment” on the proposal, issued following Putin’s announced desire to change the Russian constitution. Oh come on, why stop there, just make him a full fledged deity why don’t cha’.

This just in, Popeye’s fried chicken has launched their own clothing line. So if you want that fry cook chic look just head to, that look form popeyes dot com. (byte) Grease stains are optional.

That Look From Popeyes

© 2020, That Look From Popeyes Powered by Shopify

New Yorkers need to get ready for bagmageddon. That bastion of journalistic integrity The New York Post reports that due to a perfect storm of banning plastic bags in the empire state and a nationwide shortage of paper bags, shoppers will be shit out of luck if they don’t bring their own. The 30 Gristedes and D’Agostino grocery stores in New York CIty ordered paper bags in December but have only received one case per store so far, yea that’s gonna’ work. Look at it this way, you can always steal that box the homeless guy is living in, out back the liquor store, to carry your groceries back to your three thousand dollar a month 450 square foot apartment, that duche broker talked you into.

How much do the Knicks suck? They sucked so bad in last knights game with the Grizzlies that fans at last night’s game chanted “Sell The Team” in unison, over and over, until the sound guy’s at Madison Square Garden turned up the music so loud the “fans” were drowned out by some pop diddy. (byte) I’m not sure, I think that maybe they were chanting for the concession to “Sell Jim Beam”? (byte)

Mike Vorkunov on Twitter

A loud “Sell the team” chant rises up at MSG with Knicks down 18 and a fracas on the court just broken up. MSG starts piping in loud music to break it up. Things are not going well in New York tonight. https://t.co/X9zM0VQ3Vg

Check out this episode!

Trump hints at stopping flights between US and China, Starbucks closes ½ its Chinese stores, Bloomberg shakes dog’s nose, WAWA security breach update, USB Condoms Netflix firings and blind  Florida fisherman. 

The great orange one currently residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is hinting that it might be time to shut down flights between the US and China. According to CNBC, officials for the administration have told US airlines that the suspension of flights between the two countries could come soon. How soon? Well our cousins across the pond have already suspended all  British Airways flights between England and mainland China. So, get ready to say goodbye to those precious airline stocks, but look on the bright side, once the plague really gets rolling in the US, maybe then Trump will get everyone healthcare. 

Further proof that the apocalypse may truly be upon us, Starbucks is closing half of its stores in China. The BBC is reporting that some two thousand stores will be shuttered in China to protect its staff and quote “support government efforts” to contain the coronavirus. Semiconductor stocks have also slipped in recent days over growing weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth over supply chain fears. (byte) Despite just recording record first quarter results, Apple’s Tim Cook is also reportedly monitoring the situation, due to worries that quarantines, plagues and death could have an effect on the fruity computer companies bottom line. Better order those iPhones now, custom orders come by air not by sea, and now they come complete with pre-installed pestilence at no extra charge! 

This just in, Presidential hopeful and all around uber loaded rich guy Michael Bloomberg was hot  on the campaign trail yesterday, and shook hands with a dog’s nose.  Watch the complete dog nose video on today’s Overnight Underground post at johnford.net. 

That security breach at convenience store chain WAWA back in December, coughed up millions of credit card numbers. According to Kerbs on Security, thirty million credit card numbers were snagged from eight hundred and fifty locations nationwide. Yea, you should have passed on the WAWA hoagies and gone with a cheesesteak or Dunkin Doughnuts instead.

Practice safe computing or you could get the dreaded Hex Herpes. That’s the advice from ZD Net, because according to them we all need to buy a USB Condom. The USB data blocking condom, allegedly keeps your phone and other devices safe from pesky digital infections. (byte)  And let’s face it, you don’t want to get your iPhone knocked up from a premature discharge.

Netflix has shown the door to over a dozen of its marketing employees. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the layoffs are a shift in strategy for the streaming service, moving from marketing individual shows to marketing to the service as a whole. To many of us the Netflix already is a hole. Hey Netflix, I have an idea for you, how about more shows in English, it seems about seventy percent of the shows these days on Netflix are in some dang language other than ‘Merican. If I want to read, I’ll get a damn book.

Today’s dumb ass of the day goes to a Florida Man who mistook those fishing pole holes on his boat for the gas tank. You guessed it, the idiot pumped 30 gallons of gas directly into his bilge. UPI reports that Orange County Fire Rescue Hazmat were called to the 7-11 in Orlando where the incident occurred. A breathalyzer was administered following the mishap and the offender was deemed too drunk to drive, but not drunk enough to fish. 

Check out this episode!

Jamaica Rocks, Stocks to Clean Up with, PITA Wants to Kill Phill, Trump says Pot Makes You Stupid, Great State of New York Appoints Pot Czar. 

Check out this episode!

Mongolia is closed till further notice. Philly is infected… Is that redundant? Stock Market jitters in the sh*tter. Hey somebody figured out Greta is white. And yes, you can die of cake.

So sorry, we’re closed. That’s essentially what the State of Mongolia told travelers, due to the continuing mayhem and all around bad news that is the Coronavirus. Reuters is reporting that all universities and educational institutions will remain shut-down until March 2nd. Border crossings and all public gatherings will also be cancelled until further notice. Move along now citizen. Has anyone else pointed out that corona is an anagram of raccoon. Maybe Mongolia should build some kind of wall to protect themselves from the Chinese.

Philly is the latest city to join the Coronavirus hit list. An exchange student from William Penn Charter School, who recently returned from China is suspected of being the latest coronavirus infectee. Health department officials are saying that the results should be available in a few days, but by then everyone will already be dead, so there is that. (byte)

Meanwhile, before opening bell this morning, the stock markets were in a downward spiral over fears that we are all going to die. Prior to the ringing of the opening bell, dow futures were down over 400 points. No worries, everyone is long and on margin, so really, what could possibly go wrong.

Perpetually grumpy climate activist and eco-cult leader Gretta Thurnberg is now catching flack for also being a white person. (byte) According to Buzzfeed, well who else would bother, Ugandan Climate Activist Vanessa Nakate is dismayed that she was cropped out of a photo issued by the Associated Press reporting on climate change stuff from Davos. Maybe it wasn’t a true media blackout, but just the photographer checking his white balance privilege.

Let them eat cake, till they die! An Australian woman crammed so much cake down her pie-hole that she keeled over dead at a cake eating contest. The 60-year-old woman had a seizure and later passed away following the cake cramming competition. Police said the death was not suspicious, but it was delicious. Of course this is more proof that you can’t eat your cake and have it too.

Check out this episode!

China building new 1000 bed hospital for plague, nothing to worry about. Houston goes big bada boom! Goop vagina candle gets wangy competition. Serina upset by wang. Obi Wan script not Disney’s only hope.

They say things aren’t that bad in China, however authorities are quickly building a new 1000 bed hospital to deal with the coronavirus. The AP is reporting that Wuhan, the city where the virus got its coming out party, expects to have a 270,000-square-foot hospital built by February third. Damn, that’s like next week, how do they build things so fast? We should get them to build stuff for us!  Call me crazy but h-o-s-p-i-t-a-l is not how you spell crematorium. (byte)

If the virus doesn’t get you, maybe the meteorites will. At least that’s what they’re thinking in Houston. According to the Daily Star, a meteorite or some kind of space debris fell from the sky as what many Houstinites described as a very loud sonic boom came a crashin’ down from the sky causin’ a mighty big boom at a plant in North West Houston. Or it could be just your run of the mill chemical plant explosion in the outskirts of town. Just try and avoid breathing for a while if you live nearby. 

This just in, Serina upset by Wang. (byte) That is all

Move over Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Vagina Candle, you’ve got some new tainty competition. Refinery 29, whoever the hell they are, reports that a new “Smells Like My Penis” candle is getting ready to fap the market. According to the article, the Canadian ad agency Taxi, created the flaming pungent penile replica in the name of gender pay equality. Why not get both! And fill that gender pay gap. 

Sorry to disappoint, but the new Star Wars Obi-Wan series is officially on hold. Why, because apparently the scripts are so bad, Disney is calling for new ones to be written. The series was also knocked down from six to four episodes. The Hollywood Reporter, reports, well after all it is what they do, that after writing two scripts for the Disney Plus series, the dirty little rat that ate Orlando has decided that these were “not the scripts they were looking for”.

Check out this episode!